Blended Families - Children
- Jun 1, 2006 -
“Perhaps one of the most common scenarios in stepfamilies is as follows. The stepmom or stepdad has to deal with their stepchild, who may resent them and fear that their stepparent is a threat to their ‘real mom’ or ‘real dad’. Often, the child may not like their new stepparent, not so much because of who the stepparent is as a person, necessarily, as much as the role that they represent. Children in stepfamilies will commonly test the stepparent, and it’s only natural for them to do so. When it comes time for the stepparent to have to set a limit with the child, the sparks can start to fly! The child who may have already resented the stepparent, now especially resents them, because they ‘dared to act like a real parent’ and tried to discipline them. The child may feel stuck in a loyalty struggle, and even if they really like the stepparent, they might feel guilty about it. It can be really tough to be a stepchild. The child may think, or even say : ‘Who do you think you are? You’re not my real mother or real father!!!’”
Excerpted from Alan L. Frankel, Stepfamilies: The Ultimate Challenge (Parenthood.com) [Accessed January 18, 2006]
“Children in blended families have major adjustments to make. They may have leftover feelings of loss or anger from their parents’ divorce or conflicting feelings about their new stepparents. They may be changing schools, moving to a different house, leaving friends behind and seeking new ones, or sharing a room for the first time with a new stepsibling. They may have to follow new household rules, accept discipline from a stepparent or share their biological parents’ time with new stepsiblings. If they do come to like or love a new stepparent, they may feel guilty and disloyal to one or both of their biological parents. Overall, they struggle with feeling safe, secure, equal, and at-home in a new situation.”
Excerpted from Susan Hansen, Recipe for a Well Blended Family (Parenthood.com) [Accessed January 18, 2006]
“Red Flags for Kids:
- Ongoing or escalating misbehavior at home or school.
- Falling grades.
- Angry outbursts at anyone in the situation.
- A pattern of crying easily or often, even when things in the household have settled into a steady routine.
- Difficulties with sleep or eating, whether too much or not enough.
- Repeated stomachaches, headaches, sore throats or other stress symptoms.
- Ongoing arguing between any family members.
- Noticeable personality changes in kids of any age.
- Spending lots of time away from the house.
- Becoming increasingly withdrawn, not talking with anyone in the house.
- Kids reporting negative comments and conversations from the other household.”
Blended Families: When It’s Time to Seek Professional Help (Parenthood.com) [Accessed January 18, 2006]
“When children appear significantly distressed in a newly blended family, the other natural parent may take them to counseling as a means to investigate the distress or help them cope. Unfortunately however while this provides a sense that something is being done, often little is accomplished. In fact, counseling only for the child with difficulty adjusting to new blended family can do more harm than good. The issue is akin to arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. While the chairs may look nicely arranged, the ship continues to sink. While chatting with a counselor may help the child feel better in the short run, if the larger issues of parental adjustment, child management, communications and boundaries within and between families are not addressed, the child can fall back to distress shortly after a brief upturn from counseling. A failed counseling experience will cause future counseling efforts to be viewed skeptically and the parent may now rush to the change in access.
“For children in distress in the context of adjustment to a new blended family, rather than just sending the kids off to counseling, the parents and their partners should enter counseling or ‘parent education’ or mediation themselves.”
Blended Family-Kids in Distress (Womans Divorce.com) [Accessed January 23, 2006]
“OK, so you’ve given it some time. You’ve tried to like your stepmom—but you just don’t get along! You can’t stop wishing that things were the way they were before. But ask yourself, is it really her you don’t like?
“Could it be the fact that someone else is taking away some of your dad’s attention? Or watching TV in the living room when there’s a show on that you wanted to watch? Or taking extra-long showers in the bathroom? If something is bothering you, it helps to figure out exactly where the problem is happening, and speak up.
“It’s not easy sharing your parent and your home with a stepparent. (It can be even harder if your stepparent has children, and you have stepsiblings now, too!) Don’t be afraid to let your mom or dad know that you miss spending time with him or her alone.
“It’s also a good idea to have a family meeting to hash out any problems. Maybe your stepmom can wait and take those long showers after you go to bed, and you can come up with a schedule for sharing the TV. Better yet, maybe the family can do something other than watch TV, like play a game together.
“But if you just can’t seem to get along with your stepparent no matter what, it’s time for a major heart-to-heart with your parent, and maybe your stepparent, too. When you’re mad, it can be tempting to scream, ‘I can’t stand her!’ or ‘He’s ruining my life!’ But this will only hurt your stepparent’s feelings and will not make anything better. Instead, explain why you’re upset with your stepparent. Be specific about what the problems are and why you feel so angry.”
Living with Stepparents (KidsHealth) [Accessed January 23, 2006]
- “Being unable to see their other parent
- Hearing biological parents argue
- Adjusting to new rules set by a stepparent
- Feeling unloved or unwanted
- Wishing it could all go back to the way it was before
- Having to share a room with new siblings
- Feeling like a stranger in the house
- Watching parent and stepparent argue
- Being blamed when things go wrong
- Seeing their parent do more for a stepchild than for them
- Feeling ‘caught in the middle’ between their two birth parents”
Common Struggles for Children (InStep Ministries) [Accessed January 23, 2006]
“One of the hardest things about being a teenager in a stepfamily is that you don’t have much control over all the big changes that come with having a stepparent and maybe stepsiblings. It was hard enough getting used to living with only one parent. It can be even more frustrating to be told that the life you have finally become used to is changing again, like it or not!”
Joel D. Block and Susan S. Bartell, StepLiving for Teens (New York: Price Stern Sloan, Inc., 2001), 2.
“Teen Commandments for Dealing with Younger Stepsiblings
- Ask your stepsib (nicely!) to speak to you before taking your things. And ask parents to enforce this.
- Tell your stepsib (this is the hard part) that if they will ask you nicely to borrow something that you will try not to say no. Mean what you say.
- When you lend something, remind your stepsib that you expect it back in good condition.
- If something borrowed gets ruined, don’t go ballistic. Try explaining that you want to be able to lend stuff, but you won’t if your stepsib wrecks it.”
Excerpted from Joel D. Block and Susan S. Bartell, StepLiving for Teens (New York: Price Stern Sloan, Inc., 2001), 57-59.