Blended Families - Family Holidays

By Jerry Price - Jun 1, 2006 -

Holidays can be a stressful time in the life of any family. That is especially true in a blended or stepfamily. For example, there may be an agreement for alternate visitation during holidays—one year with Mom and the next with Dad. Marjorie Engel, a Boston-based author and consultant on divorce and families says that, regardless of the visitation arrangement, families must do whatever is necessary to avoid placing the child in the position of being torn between families. She suggests including more than a single day so that, if possible, the child might spend time with both parents.

Engel also suggests developing new holiday traditions—a new history for the stepfamily. A key to the success of this is total communication between both families. Seek written confirmation on travel plans and itineraries so everyone, including the children, knows what to expect. She also suggests parents consult each other regarding gift buying. She maintains that positive communication between divorced parents over something pleasant will benefit the children.

Judith L. Bauersfield, president of Stepfamily Association of America, says, “The positive thing about the holidays is that they are a time when a family can begin to build new history. But for children, there is often a profound sense of loss and sadness in knowing they cannot return to what was before.” Stepfamilies should acknowledge that loss and allow children to mourn good times that are gone.

Making Kids Feel Special (Ladies Home Journal) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

“‘Family standards of gift-giving present a nightmare in stepfamilies,’ says Judith L. Bauersfeld of Phoenix, Arizona, president of The Stepfamily Association of America. Consider the possibilities: assorted levels of income among Mom’s household, Dad’s household, extended families, and extended stepfamilies; grandparents who have not yet accepted stepchildren; unfamiliar traditions among new in-laws; and gift overload from multiple celebrations. An almost-certain result is that somewhere along the line, someone’s feelings will be hurt.”

Marjorie Engel (see previous article) has several suggestions for stepfamilies to help children during holiday gift-giving.

  • “Ask the children to make a wish list. Parents can use the list to decide practical ways of supplying wants and needs for the children.
  • Communicate with relatives how gift-giving should be handled for stepchildren along with possible sizes, color preferences, and other information if clothing is to be bought.
  • Each parent could make a tradition of spending a day shopping with the children, teaching them to choose appropriate gifts for the other parent and stepparents.
  • Remind other gift-givers that children’s feelings can easily be hurt and they should not give unequally.
  • Remind children who receive gifts from many sources not to be unkind or gloat in front of their stepsiblings who do not receive as much.”

Gift Giving Guidelines (Ladies Home Journal) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

  • “Let your children know their visitation schedule in advance. They should know well ahead of time, for example, if they’re going to be leaving for their other parent’s house on Christmas eve, so that they can be emotionally prepared for the change.
  • Don’t be afraid to start new traditions if the old ones either conflict with your children seeing both parents or are too cumbersome for a single spouse to carry out.
  • Both parents should work to simplify their respective family obligations. Children who are overscheduled can feel pulled in different directions, increasing the stress on both the children and the parents.
  • Accommodate your former spouse’s visitation more than usual. Help your child shop for your ex, and encourage your child to be excited about seeing his or her other parent. Don’t let on that you’re feeling down or anxious about being alone.
  • Don’t compete with your former spouse in gift-giving. Not only could it leave you in debt after the holidays, but it also overindulges your child and establishes a bad precedent.
  • Put your children’s feelings before your own—now more than any other time of the year.
  • Be flexible with your plans, and be prepared for a certain amount of letdown. Holiday blues are inevitable, even for those not going through a divorce. If necessary, lean on family and friends, but not your children, for help.”

Divorced Parents Urged to Put Kids’ Needs First During Holidays (Parenthood.com) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

Further Learning

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