Blended Families - Parents/Stepparents
- Jun 1, 2006 -
“Adults in combined families are not without their challenges … They may be working to get past the ‘baggage’ of the previous relationship or dealing with tension or conflict with ex-spouses, new stepchildren, or both. They’re faced with creating a new, melded family with its own identity, while still honoring the identities of each family member. As a parent, they get on-the-job training in being flexible, dealing with change, being fair and impartial, getting and staying organized, following more complicated schedules—Where are the kids on this day? Where do they need to be, at what time, and how will they get there? What did they forget today?—and managing the new money arrangements. It’s no small task.”
Excerpted from Susan Hansen, Recipe for a Well Blended Family (Parenthood.com) [Accessed January 18, 2006]
“Red Flags for Adults:
- Angry outbursts at anyone in the situation.
- Increasing or ongoing arguments.
- Obvious differences in the discipline or treatment of stepchildren versus biological kids.
- Withdrawing or refusing to discuss situations in the household.
- Difficulties with food or sleep, or other stress-related symptoms.
- Increased use of alcohol or other unproductive coping skills.
- Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, crying a lot.
- Struggles and conflicts about money.”
Blended Families: When It’s Time to Seek Professional Help (Parenthood.com) [Accessed January 18, 2006]
“Changes (losses) [are] forced upon children when families end and begin. And some changes have greater impact than others.
“For example, couples need to realize that marriage for them is a gain, but for their children it is another loss. This important truth—that remarriage often disrupts the parent-child bond and produces insecurity in children—is not intended to make you feel guilty. If you are a parent, you need to understand the impact loss has on your children. If you are a stepparent, you need to empathize with—not resent—your stepchildren’s grief.”
Adapted from Ron L. Deal, Smart Stepparenting (Focus On the Family) [Accessed January 23, 2006]
Coping with Discipline Issues
- “Work at a relationship first. In the initial stages of the relationship with your stepchild, the operative phrase should be ‘go slowly.’
- Have frank discussions about discipline styles with your partner. Sit down with your partner and discuss your individual parenting styles.
- Tolerate and work with differences. Accept that there are times you must agree to disagree.
- Decide how much discipline responsibility is appropriate to your situation. Most experts advise that the biological parent handle the majority of the disciplining. That said, don’t take too much of a ‘hands-off’ approach; this could lead to feelings of powerlessness and resentment.
- Decide on some key family rules. Choose rules that will be essential to the effective functioning of the stepfamily.
- Pick your battles. Decide what is really important; know your room for compromise.
- Seek support. Back each other up.
- Hold meetings. Conduct regular parent meetings to refine and develop your parenting alliance.
- Consider taking a parenting course together. This may give both of you common ground to work with.
- Do assume adult authority. Exercise your role as an adult who is to be respected. There will be times when you will have to cope with confidence.”
Excerpted from Gwen Morrison, Successful Stepparenting: 10 Steps (Preteenagers Today) [Accessed January 18, 2006]
- “Be crystal clear on the fact that your partner is a flawed, broken imperfect person (like you) who is just as committed as you are, who wants to love and be loved and who is doing the very best he or she can to make this marriage work.
- Make God a partner in your marriage. Find a church that ministers to stepfamilies. Join a small group or stepfamily couples support group.
- Commit together to not allow anything or anyone to come between the two of you.
- Make your marriage a safe place. Work to create an open, accepting, non-judgmental marital environment that encourages frank disclosures and provides a safe place to air differences and plan solutions. Focus on the positives. Nurture your friendship, stay connected, practice forgiveness, encourage one another, and trust God in all things. (Matt. 19:26; Phil. 4:13; Rom. 8:28; John 15:7)
- Nurture the relationship: focus on one another’s needs—know your partner’s needs and work hard to meet them. The most important factor in the success of a stepfamily family is the emotional and spiritual health of the adults. Pray together. Think romance. Become an expert on the needs of your partner (Romans 12-14; Phil. 2:3-11; I Cor. 13.).
- Build solid middle ground in your marriage. Develop a shared vision for your marriage and family. Agree on a definition of a healthy, Godly marriage. Look for new ways to strengthen and enjoy your relationship. Be clear about your goals, values and priorities.”
Couple Tasks (InStep Ministries) [Accessed January 23, 2006]
- “Do not expect that you or your stepchildren will magically cherish all your time together. Stepchildren often feel confused about new family relationships, feeling both welcoming and resentful of the changes new people bring to their life. Give children space and time to work through their emotions.
- Give yourself permission to not be completely accepted by them. Their acceptance of you is often more about wanting to remain in contact with their biological parents than it is an acceptance or rejection of you. This realization will help you to de-personalize their apparent rejections.
- Give your stepchildren time away from you, preferably with their biological parent. The exclusive time stepchildren had with their biological parent before he or she married you come to a screeching halt after remarriage. Honoring your stepchildren by giving back this exclusive time will help them to respect you sooner.”
Excerpted from Ron L. Deal, How to Build a Healthy Relationship with Your Stepchild (Successful Stepfamilies) [Accessed January 23, 2006]