Homosexuals: An Unreached People Group
- Jun 12, 2007 - 30
Listening to a group of men who are coming out of homosexuality is a sobering experience for a pastor. Believe me, I know.
I could tell you about their anguish over feelings they have not chosen.
I could tell you about the hurting and confused man who finally mustered up the courage to attend a church only to hear the pastor make an offhand “joke” about homosexuals. Many months passed before he found the spiritual help he needed to leave behind the sin that had dominated his life.
I could tell you about a successful businessman who, after years of fighting same-sex attractions, gathered his courage and made an appointment with the assistant pastor of his church. The pastor listened sympathetically but afterward avoided the man in the halls and on occasion pretended not to see him. The man finally left a prestigious job and moved to an area where he knew help was available.
These stories—and others like them—always make me uncomfortable because at one time either of those pastors could have been me.
For much of my life, my words and actions regarding homosexuals were entirely negative and judgmental. Had any homosexual strugglers heard me preach, it is extremely unlikely that they would have sought help from me. If they had, I don’t know that I could have been of more help than the pastors mentioned above.
Several years ago God got my attention. I began to realize that my entire approach to “ministry” to homosexuals was just an argument against whatever activists were doing or saying. The words I had thought were courageous and prophetic were redemptively bankrupt. God opened my eyes to a group of people who were largely unreached with the message of true freedom in Christ. While God had shown me that my approach wasn’t working, I didn’t know the right thing to do, either. After months of seeking help, I discovered Exodus International. I wrote to them for information, expressing my belief that this would be a watershed issue for the evangelical church and that no other single issue is so poised to erode confidence in the total trustworthiness of Scripture.
Since that time I have seen the evidence of this time and again. I’ve seen mothers and fathers, family members and friends, even sincere pastors who have drifted into some level of acceptance of homosexuality because they have not been presented with a genuine redemptive model. Some unwittingly accept the belief that homosexuality must be genetic, and God would not call it sin if He made people that way. Even though not one legitimate scientific study supports this conclusion, most have heard it repeated so often they think it must be true. They are left to explain away the Scriptures that call it sin. (As former homosexual Sy Rogers has said, even if you do think you were born that way, it simply shows that you need to be born again.)
Many parents have been drawn to PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) because they felt unable to share their pain with their own church. I once sat in a parents’ group where not one had felt safe in sharing their story with their pastor or even their Sunday School class. Nor is this fear without merit. Recently a fine, active Christian mother told me with tears of a pastor telling her she must cut off all contact with her son until he repented of his homosexual behavior.
Certainly our commitment to the authority of Scripture should be greater than our personal experiences. But when we do not openly and positively address an issue and make it known that the church of Jesus Christ is a safe place, a refuge, for all the broken people of our society, we provide an opportunity for the enemy to mislead even the faithful. In my case, I had to admit my lack of ability to deal with homosexuality in a proactive and redemptive way. I simply had very little knowledge of this issue, so I went to those who did.
Exodus sent me an information packet and an invitation to their annual conference. That brought a smile to my face, for the chances that I would spend a week with several hundred homosexuals—ex or otherwise—were slim to none.
However, a few months later, to my own amazement and with much fear and trembling, I walked into a conference that would change my life. I met some of the most incredible Christians I’ve ever known. The workshops were extremely helpful, the testimonies were incredible, and the worship was unlike any I had ever experienced. I decided that this must be because the people were so aware of the sin from which God was setting them free and so thankful for the forgiveness and cleansing that comes from true repentance. The Lord reminded me, I’ve set you free from just as much. You’re just not as aware and thankful.
As a pastor I wanted to establish an Exodus-type ministry in our Dallas-Ft. Worth area church as quickly as possible, but it was five years later when this came to pass. Had God allowed this to be realized sooner, it would have been disastrous, for it took me two years to realize how much I didn’t know about this kind of ministry! Instead, He allowed me to become a part of the existing Living Hope ministry that reaches out to our area.
During that learning period I discovered an amazing truth: Being is often more important than doing. While on many occasions I was able to share biblical truths, most of those to whom I ministered commented that the most helpful thing in their recovery was having a pastor who simply loved them and who would be there for them when they struggled and when they fell. Others in the ministry had greater knowledge and understanding of the struggle, but I could love these hurting men and women. I could be a father figure to those who had never had one, and I could model the heart of the Father for them all.
I will always be thankful for the men and women I’ve met on this journey and for the privilege of sharing their fight. Undoubtedly there are those in your community who need to know that your church is a safe place for all the broken people of our society and that you are eager to extend God’s unconditional love to them.
I’d like to encourage pastors to contact me to find our how their churches can benefit from the resources the Task Force on Ministry to Homosexuals offers.
Bob Stith is the SBC’s National Strategist for Gender Issues. He is available for speaking engagements and interviews and can be reached at .
Further Learning
Learn more about: Faith, Bible, Ministry, Family, Sexual Purity, Homosexuality
30 comments (post your own) feed
1 On Jun 12th, 2007, at 6:02pm, Richard Cheek wrote:
Thank you for this article. I have felt for years that I banging my head against a brick wall trying to tell fellow christians that if we were ever to have an effective ministry with homosexuals we have to have a redemptive attitude. I will be anxious to hear how Bob Stith’s efforts are received in SBC churches.
2 On Jun 12th, 2007, at 6:50pm, JIm France wrote:
Thank you for your thoughts on this...!!!
Yes, ‘Many’ times we hurt people with a Weakness by not talking to them. It’s not meant to be a cold shoulder, or, ignoring them on our part, but we don’t want too say something to hurt them - not knowing what to say---?! But also fear hurting them by silence.
I was hurt like that once - silence… from the church members…
It was minor compared to this subject… but it still hurt. And I was so glad when one of the elders ( who was and is a friend ) talked to me about it… It was such a Blessing!! And brought on a peace in the middle of what could have been a storm and-or me leaving a Great Fellowship of Believe[rs].
So yes, again I agree with you we need an education - how to relate to and the correct way to offer help...!!
Jim France Thank You...!
You are correct, “There are - two sides - the sinners - and we who should be able to help comfort them.
3 On Jun 12th, 2007, at 10:28pm, Carlos Stouffer wrote:
Homosexuality is complex and a genetic cause has not been discovered with 100% certainty. But is it honest to leave the impression that homosexuality does not have some basis in our genes?
Studies are pointing in the direction that homosexuality does have a genetic or biological basis and Christians who are interested in being honest need to come to terms with these realities, even if they are uncomfortable.
Perhaps more relevant than being scientifically informed is the need to be informed about what contemporary Christian scholars are saying about homosexuality.
It would be very useful to have a website with links to serious scholarly papers from all sides of this debate.
Given the well known conservative biases of the SBC, it would be especially useful to show outsiders that you are interested in real dialogue on this issue and you are not leaving out the best scholarship available in this field.
4 On Jun 13th, 2007, at 4:40am, Jim Kelly wrote:
The “sin” of homosexuality is no sin at all. What is sinful is the selective use of “scripture” to demonize gay men and lesbians. Rather than trying to cure us (we are not sick,) you should welocme and support gay people who choose to subscribe to your beliefs.
5 On Jun 13th, 2007, at 8:26am, Imogene Terry wrote:
This is a much needed ministry today. I pray our pastors will be open to receiving the training available as to how they can minister to these men and women. I remember thinking about alcohol several years back. Most ministers do not realize they need their help and guidance, but we have neglected the training in this area too. We put them
off on AAA, which is a great help, but the need the Lord, Christian guidance, and the church family’s help and love. These family members will also need love and acceptance from the church. When these people do begin the road to recovery, Christians will kill them with words like “It won’t last”. I realize that this will be a special ministry involving very special people, but they need the Lord and the church.
6 On Jun 13th, 2007, at 9:07am, Anonymous wrote:
As a SBC pastor and brother of a sister who is unashamedly lesbian, I wholeheartedly agree with the mission of Pastor Stith.
The church cannot sidestep her responsibility to reach out to those who are in bondage to this kind of sin. As a father of eight children and a homeschooling family for almost 19 years one would think that you would be successful in shielding your children from homosexuality but this lifestyle is just too rampant. For example, one of my children married a person who was saved out of the homosexual culture.
The Christian community cannot continue to stick its head in the sand on this issue. Protesting is not the answer; the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the solution.
Homosexuality is just one of the many sins from which the Corinthian believers were saved and Paul says to them, “And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Cor. 6:9-11)
7 On Jun 13th, 2007, at 2:55pm, Carlos Stouffer wrote:
This would be a good article to link to your website. It is a perspective from a conservative Bible scholar teaching at Emory who is confronting the same issues as Rev. Stith does in the article above, but in a different way.
8 On Jun 15th, 2007, at 9:22am, Brian wrote:
I would never question the sincerity of a person who claims they’ve recovered from homosexuality. I would likewise ask that no one doubt my sincerity when I say I tried very, very hard to change. I underwent nearly a decade of every kind of therapy and treatment at my disposal. By the end of this regiment I’d gone from a happy, well-adjusted and self-confident 11-year-old to a teenager who couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror. I’d sunken into such a deep depression I can honestly say the only thing that kept me alive was the meth I’d become addicted to. Meth was the only thing that quieted the sexual thoughts that even sleep couldn’t silence. Of all things meth made me feel good about myself at a time when I thought there was nothing good about me.
I think it’s great that treatment has helped some people find happiness. But for those of us for whom treatment does more harm than good, please let us be ourselves so we can love ourselves.
9 On Jun 18th, 2007, at 9:35am, Dan Valdes wrote:
Having “pastoral care” that has underlying bias and bigotry is no really care at all but rather religious intolerance in the guise of “love”. The SBC has a long way to go on gay rights issues. Any self respecting gay person would distance him or herself from such self loathing programs. We do well to stand tall as God created us. Any religious program that has a foundation in false notions of “change” is loaded and bound to lead to disaster.
10 On Jun 18th, 2007, at 12:47pm, Carlos Stouffer wrote:
Rev. Stith and others, please read this article. [LA Times]
I think this is a great way to bridge the differences between Southern Baptists and gay rights activists. This new approach will not satisfy everybody, but it seems like the right next step for conservative Christians concerned about these issues. What do you think?
11 On Jun 18th, 2007, at 4:26pm, Jarrot wrote:
As a college student who spent almost all of his youth in the lifestyle to which the article above talks about. I do greatly understand the opposition of both sides. But what we have to look at is where the Mediator stands, and I feel like Bob Stith does no injustice to Scripture in what he talks about; nor stands f[o]r what He says about this issue.
And though no ill feelings dwell inside me. I feel like the opinion of those who disagree with this article belittle those like me and myself. For I and others, I know personally, long for this ministry! If you don’t, please don’t undervalue the importance of this ministry to who desire it.
12 On Jul 19th, 2007, at 3:35pm, Ben McClard wrote:
It makes me so sad to see people struggling against such an innate and good part of themselves instead of accepting themselves and moving on with their lives. I know firsthand that there is no “help” or “refuge” for gay people in the Southern Baptist Church. There is only condemnation and self-righteousness.
13 On Jul 20th, 2007, at 8:53am, Jarrot Garza wrote:
I’m sorry Ben that you felt such condemnation. Your partially right, most baptist churchs have the view and idea that “Jesus had to hang on the cross just a little bit longer for homosexuals, or that theres a hotter place in hell for them.”
BUT I would have to disagree with you in that there in “no ‘help’”. Mainly becuase First Baptist Sugarland and Arlington both have ministries geared to help people like myself, who want to change.
So to say that there is “no ‘help’” is wrong. NOW there may be no help in your area, OR all the Baptist churchs don’t want to help, but not all are like that. I would encourage you to look at: Exodus(http://www.exodus-international.org/) has tons of info on place closest to you and Living Hope(http://www.livehope.org/) has an forum which you can ask question and talk to people like myself. Truly hear our stories, see the change in our lives and follow along with our struggle as we seek to live our God intended life as heterosexual men/women.
14 On Jul 20th, 2007, at 9:39am, Carlos Stouffer wrote:
True, Ben, but I see a sign of hope in the effort of the editors here to publish comments that are pro-Jesus, pro-love, and pro-gay. The change of attitudes is agonizingly slow but it is happening. It is happening here, and I am grateful.
15 On Jul 20th, 2007, at 7:29pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Convincing people that they should try to change a good and beautiful part of themselves (their capacity to love and be loved in the way that is most natural to them) is not helping. It is tearing people’s lives apart.
And Carlos, people’s attitudes in the church are not changing. They still believe that people like me are sick, immoral, and disgusting. What has changed is their approach. They are trying to put a nice face on their prejudice, but it is still ugly and glaring.
16 On Jul 23rd, 2007, at 5:51pm, Jarrot Garza wrote:
Ben, I would have to beg to differ, again! I don’t think your sick, or disgusting. And as for the immoral part, what justifies your morality? For me ,now, its Gods word, and that puts homosexuality on the same plane as liars, thieves, killers, etc. God clearly defines them as all equal. No one is more immoral or less than anyone else! So to think your immoral is to think I and the rest of the world is too!
And why would I want to be apart of a faith that says that about me, for I practiced homosexuality. And to be honest in the most loving way, my desire to change and my faiths help in the desire isn’t tearing my life apart. How I was trying to live before was. I hope to hear your insight!
17 On Jul 24th, 2007, at 6:57pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Jarrot, I didn’t say that you think I am sick and disgusting. But the people who matter in the Southern Baptist Church do.
As for my morality, I follow the Golden Rule and my own conscience. I have found them to be pretty dependable guides. I certainly don’t follow a belief system that equates me and my partner’s loving relationship with murder. I used to, but frankly, I would have been dead by now if I had stayed in the Southern Baptist Church.
By the way, I don’t practice homosexuality. It is not a hobby or a sport. I am homosexual. My attraction to my partner is in my genes.
It is very simple. Your church wants to deny people their capacity to love and be loved. People will look back on the ex-gay movement like they looked back on slavery and shake their heads sadly at what we have done to human beings in the name of religion.
18 On Jul 24th, 2007, at 7:10pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Jarrot, I have one question for you.
What was it specifically about practicing homosexuality that was tearing you apart?
19 On Jul 25th, 2007, at 2:57pm, Jarrot Garza wrote:
I’m happy you responded, and to answer your question first:
Empitness; in the very large and open minded community I lived in, my value as a homosexual person mainly rested upon two things my physical appearance and my material possessions. I spent lots of time, effort, and money making sure that both of these were to the fullest and best of my ability so as to ensure a maxium return for them.
I began to notice over time that the attention, affection, affirmation, etc. I was recieving were metaphorical pennies in return for the dollars I put in. So I tryed harder, looked outward, and inward with hopes of finding the unequality that was “throwing off” the exchange. I also began to look into the future and see an unending cycle with this unequal exchange to be everlasting. I looked into the gay community introspectively and retrospectively and ,for me personally, found these to be true. Other words to describe this feeling would be inadequacy or vanity.
20 On Jul 25th, 2007, at 3:04pm, Jarrot Garza wrote:
Now Ben, these are my feelings and I don’t wish to super impose these upon you, as if you must also feel this way to! But I do know, personally, of several people like myself who generally agree with this, that they too felt something similar to this.
I never ment to say you were not a homosexual. And I believe you have a misunderstanding of the Baptist denomination. For each church is autonomist, so to me the people that “matter in the Southern Baptist Church” are my friends and ministers within my church. I also DIDN’T in anyway mean to equate your relationship with murder, I said that to simply state the equality of Gods forgiven and love. It knows no boundaries, limits, there are special rules for some and not for others. And for me thats a great thing, knowing that no matter no matter what I do, or what I’ve done Gods forgiveness is the same.
21 On Jul 25th, 2007, at 3:14pm, Jarrot Garza wrote:
Ben, I would like your perspective on this thoght! I was thinking yesterday about our two positions and how basically they’re the same. In that we both want the other side to understand, take to heart, and see our side for the truth we believe ours holds. But the very important difference I feel is why. For me, really, I get nothing in return for you seeing, understanding, or believe my side of this issue. Your orientation, lifestyle, choices affect me very little. For I don’t think your disgusting, sick, gross, etc. nor do I personaly know you so your decision affects me very little. I honestly and truthfully want...no desire and hope for you to see myside for the benefit of yourself. What do you feel about this? Do you feel like my intentions are other wise? I would truthfully like to know, do you see an alternate agenda from ME?
22 On Jul 27th, 2007, at 5:26pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Respectfully Jarrot, it sounds to me as though the problems you had in your life had nothing to do with your sexual orientation. It seems to me as though the relationships that you chose to pursue were one-sided and did not affirm you for who you were.
In my experience, there are all types of gay people, just as there are all types of straight people. Some gay people are infatuated with youth, physical beauty, and material wealth. Others look for relationships based on mutual respect and common goals and values.
My partner and I fall into the latter group. Sure, we’re physically attracted to each other, but that wouldn’t be enough on its own to keep us together. We stay together because we want to build a life together and support each other through the good times and the bad.
23 On Jul 27th, 2007, at 5:47pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Jarrot, I have never felt genuinely welcome in the Southern Baptist Church, even though I probably spent more time in church than any other kid my age when I was growing up. And I really can’t agree with you that individual churches are autonomous with respect to gay issues. Maybe I misunderstood you.
As for forgiveness, when I have done something wrong, I ask forgiveness from the person/people that I have harmed. That’s the only forgiveness that matters to me.
In response to your most recent post:
I don’t doubt that your statements are sincere. However, I could not disagree more strongly that gay people should try to convert to straight. I think it is immoral and dangerous that the Southern Baptists align themselves with this position.
24 On Aug 15th, 2007, at 6:02pm, Jarrot Garza wrote:
Ben McClard,
Sorry I have been very busy, but was wondering while away why you think it is dangerous for the SBC to take this position? I wonder if it is because of the very obvious, due to highly publicized, people who have been illy effected by ministries seeking to help people not obey themselves but obey His wise desire for our lives. For lets be honest the media gobbles these stories up. If so, I would wonder if their ill effects came from the ministries or from their self-destructive behavior and unwillingness to let go of what they are familiar with and what they want. For if you could take those how have found joy, peace, and hope and parallel them to those of have found the opposite what would the ratio be? And would that ratio be low among the social sciences? If this is not your reasoning I would love to hear why?
25 On Aug 16th, 2007, at 7:25pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Jarrot, attempts to change orientation are dangerous because as people try to change and fail, they begin to hate not just their orientation, but also themselves for not being able to overcome it. This sometimes leads gay people who are not able to change their orientation (which has not even been demonstrated to be possible, let alone healthy) to suicide. Also, I believe there is a direct link between religious teachings that demonize gay people and anti-gay violence. This is why I say that the Southern Baptist position is dangerous.
26 On Aug 16th, 2007, at 7:33pm, Ben McClard wrote:
You say you “wonder if their ill effects came from the ministries or from their self-destructive behavior.” Just speaking from my own experience, it wasn’t until I decided to leave the church that I truly felt at peace in my orientation. So no, I don’t think homosexual behavior causes ill effects. Any ill effects are the result of bad choices not related to orientation, including but not limited to joining a church that constantly tells you that you are worth less than other people and should have fewer rights because you are gay.
If you have found “joy, peace, and hope” in the Southern Baptist Church, I’m happy for you. My experience has been entirely different. I don’t think my partner, who is black, would feel “joy, peace, and hope” in a church that taught that he should try to become a white person.
27 On Aug 17th, 2007, at 2:35pm, Jarrot Garza wrote:
Ben,
Your more right then I think you know. None of us who would say change is possible, would say it is possible for “someone” to due it alone or by their sheer will power. I nor the SBC see the changing of ones actions to simply and solely be as simple as making it so. But only by Christ’s strength and power can we make a choice to “change”.
What do I mean by change? I don’t mean the act of never again feeling those feelings, BUT not letting my feelings, urges, desires, and myself control my actions. But allowing God, through the Holy Spirit to work through me, and in return follow after His plan for my life. Does this mean I don’t stumble? No! Does this mean I’m still gay? NO! Why? Because we see the act of forgiveness upon salvation as a renewing, or rebirth. That no longer defines us by our actions, but by our title a son or daughter of God.
28 On Aug 17th, 2007, at 4:13pm, Ben McClard wrote:
Jarrot,
If you still have same-sex attractions and you do not have opposite-sex attractions, you are still gay by definition, regardless of whether you act on those attractions. If you have both same-sex and opposite-sex attractions, then you are bisexual. There’s no need to redefine common terms.
29 On Sep 5th, 2007, at 12:08pm, Brian wrote:
The thought that God has a plan for me is comforting, but I’ve already established a life for myself. I have a husband and a daughter, and nothing is more important to me than my family. Not pleasing the Lord. Not my salvation. Not eternity in paradise. I have a duty and a responsibility to my little girl: to keep her dads--the two most important people in her life--together. I wouldn’t want to compromise her relationship with Jesus, but my needs, my rewards, my salvation come second when it comes to my family.
30 On Jan 14th, 2008, at 7:01pm, Charity Williams wrote:
Ben, I came upon this site and my heart goes out to you. No one should condemn you. Though they may not support your lifestyle choice, they still need to accept you and love you. It makes me angry that many Christians treat homosexuals this way. It’s a no wonder many Christians themselves are afraid to come out of the closet. I do want you to know that I agree with the Bible that homosexuality is a sin. I was just curious as to your response to the Bible’s basis on this. I do believe that homosexuality is not purely a choice nor is it purely genetic. It has to do with combination of factors: genetics, environment, and childhood. You said that homosexuality is in your genes and you are right. If you don’t mind me asking, at what age did you realize you were gay? I don’t judge you, even though I think what you are doing isn’t Biblical. I pray that God will bring people into your life to help you and who will love you for who you are, but also help you through this struggle.