Obedience made the difference
- Apr 22, 2008 - 8
“Get up on your feet so I can knock you down again!” I stood horrified in the hall as my father yelled at my mother lying on the floor at his feet. Their fighting had awakened me in the night.
This is one of my earliest memories. I was five or six years old. I believe I subconsciously decided at that moment: “I will not be like that man!” Thus began my rejection of masculinity.
Chaos characterized the place we called home. The atmosphere was so tense that I began to sleepwalk. According to my mother and brother, I would walk into the hall, kneel facing my parents’ bedroom door, grasp my throat, and make choking sounds. My nightly routine horrified my mother; my father slept through it.
Several decades have not erased another memory of a summer afternoon when I was playing alone on a hill beside my house, wanting to be held by a man. There were no erotic feelings, just a God-given desire for male intimacy and protection. I was no older than seven.
Rarely did I experience my father’s approval and love. And my mother, who was desperately unhappy, openly expressed to me her disdain for my father and her disgust for sex.
On reaching puberty, I recognized an attraction to guys at school. Oh God, I asked, why is this happening to me? I had given my heart to Jesus and knew He died for my sin, but even that did not stop the turmoil that characterized my every thought. For years I carried a piece of paper on which I had written, “Lord, I am trusting you for healing.”
Several years later I gave in to that same-sex attraction. We had gone to school together for years, and his approving smile fascinated me. For the first time in my life, I felt that another male really liked me. I quickly found that homosexuality provided excitement, but not fulfillment. My sporadic homosexual activity continued until my early twenties, when I decided that although I honestly did not know how to be heterosexual, I did know how to be obedient.
Although the Bible gives no explicit steps for coming out of homosexuality, it is filled with principles that I could apply to my life. The Psalmist wrote about turning his eyes away from temptation (Ps. 101:3), so I refused to look at pornography and avoided the people and places that stirred temptation. Because God’s Word extols the love between a husband and wife, I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me the right way to love a woman. More important, I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me the right way to relate to men—and He did!
At age 22, God led me back to college. Living in a men’s dorm had a healing effect on me. I was forced to interact with other guys on a daily basis, to become their peer, to learn appropriate relationships with them. My parents divorced during that time, and although the news shook me, it did not deter me.
After college I attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, where I felt like a dry sponge thrown into a lake. I soaked up everything! The Bible became increasingly alive to me. Not only was I receiving a great education for a future ministry I could not imagine, I also was learning to apply biblical truth to my sexual brokenness.
Homosexual temptations continued throughout college and seminary, but to a lesser degree. I remained steadfast in refusing to yield, and my revulsion toward heterosexuality diminished.
After graduation I was called to a pastorate in my hometown. During that time, my alcoholic father went through foreclosure on his home, separation from his second wife, and near suicide. With all the responsibilities of a young, single pastor on my shoulders, I brought him into the parsonage and cared for him until he could enter a treatment facility. I didn’t feel I could share any of this with my congregation.
I eventually resigned, disillusioned and depressed. I cried out to God, “I’ve followed you as closely as I know how. I’ve been celibate for over ten years. What more do you want from me?”
I was about to find out! A female friend from seminary visited my town, and we spent time together. For the first time in my 33 years I felt attracted to a woman! For years I had prayed, “God, change me and I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” while all along He was saying, “Tim, do what I want you to do and I’ll change you.”
Five years later, I met Lisa, who was everything I longed for. Before we were engaged, I sat down with her and said, “You need to know something about my past because it may influence our future. I used to be gay.” Even after hearing my story, she never wavered in her love for me. We married in 1993 and are the proud parents of three daughters—Clare, Grace and Ellie.
I’m happier today than I’ve ever been, and I owe that to Jesus Christ. When I was obedient to God, He reached down to help me and poured blessings overflowing into my life. My passion remains to “go and tell what great things the Lord has done for me and how He has had mercy on me.”
Tim Wilkins is the founder/director of CROSS Ministry—Equipping the Church to Evangelize and Disciple the Homosexual. He speaks and teaches across the country and will be in The Way Out booth at the 2008 SBC in Indianapolis. For more information about Tim and his ministry, call (919) 569-0375 or visit http://www.crossministry.org.
If your church would like more information on how to become involved in ministering to those who struggle with homosexuality, please contact Bob Stith, director of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Task Force on Ministry to Homosexuals, at bstith777@juno.com. To purchase bulletin inserts on this important issue, please visit our online bookstore.
Further Learning
Learn more about: Family, Sexual Purity, Homosexuality
8 comments (post your own) feed
1 On Apr 22nd, 2008, at 1:00pm, Dan Valdes wrote:
Dear Mr. Wilkins,
You imply that you are no longer sexually attracted to men and that Jesus has “changed” you or perhaps some would say “cured” you.
ie..Jesus says “Tim, do what I want you to do and I’ll change you.”
Is that in fact the case, that you are changed from homosexual to heterosexual with no more same sex fantasies or attraction?
What would you say that Jesus “told you to do” that affected that change?
Did the change occur in the 10 years of celibacy or only after your marriage? Was it comprehensive and sustainable? In your opinion, will others experience this change if they follow certain instructions?
Thank you.
2 On Apr 22nd, 2008, at 11:47pm, Tim Wilkins wrote:
Dan (part 1 of 4)
Same-sex attraction is temptation, not orientation. Orientation is a clinical term the church has mistakenly adopted. We’re not exempt from temptation in this life.
I do, from time to time, experience attraction to men; however, the attraction has lost its power. Cure is not the right term. Cure implies homosexuality is a medical condition. It’s spiritual condition.
Obedience to Bible played pivotal role for me. Forget about homosexuality for moment. Most people pray God would “DO SOMETHING” for them and THEN they’ll obey Him. “Lord, get me out of this dilemma and then I’ll trust you/obey your Word.”
God calls the shots. We don’t tell God what to do-the height of audacity. As Creator, we abide by His commands which He gives for our own good & His glory.
The term converting to heterosexual is an incorrect term. Jesus told us to make disciples not make heterosexuals. (Don’t take that to mean homosexuality is OK.)
3 On Apr 22nd, 2008, at 11:53pm, Tim Wilkins wrote:
Dan (Part 2 of 4)
Let me explain. It’s not a sin to NOT be attracted to the opposite sex. It IS a sin to behave homosexually. The goal for me was not heterosexuality (though for years I thought so)The goal is Christ. As Chambers writes “Getting into a right relationship with God is the easiest thing in the world, unless it’s not God you want, but only what He gives.” Ouch!
When I determined to know God as the forgiver of my sin, THEN the same sex attractions began to diminish.
What Jesus told me to do, as you put it, is contained in the Bible. I made the mistake of searching only the passages that address homosexuality when I needed to read/obey the WHOLE Bible.
4 On Apr 23rd, 2008, at 10:46am, Tim Wilkins wrote:
Dan (part 3 of 4)
Why did God place a tree in the Garden of Eden & THEN command Adam and Eve to avoid it? We only learn obedience by being tempted to disobey.
Great question about when the “change” occurred. Marrying a person of the opposite sex hoping that will change them is like force-feeding an anorexic hoping it will clarify her distorted self-image. (Read it a few times to get it.)
Marriage is NEVER a remedy for some problem! I can’t begin to list the emails I get from strugglers who think they must cultivate an attraction to the opposite sex in order to alleviate their same-sex attractions.
5 On Apr 23rd, 2008, at 3:36pm, Tim Wilkins wrote:
Dan (part 4 of 4
The 10 years of celibacy-which the Bible calls obedience, is the strugglers’ step in living obediently & God blesses obedience. Chambers writes “God will tax the last grain of sand & the remotest star to bless us WHEN we obey Him.” The blessings of God follow our obedience.
You ask “Will others experience change..?” Yes! Remember the goal is never anything other than Jesus Christ-to know Him personally. If you use Jesus as a “means to an end” in order to get something else, you set yourself up for failure. Christ does not want to be a “means to an end”. He wants you to focus on Him. He loves you, has a plan/purpose for you. He really does -Dan.
Again, when you’re going to be in NC, let me know. I’d love to meet you.
6 On Apr 24th, 2008, at 10:29am, Dan Valdes wrote:
Mr. Wilkins opens his essay with…
“This is one of my earliest memories. I was five or six years old. I believe I subconsciously decided at that moment: “I will not be like that man!” Thus began my rejection of masculinity.” ....as if this is somehow a causal event in his sexual development.
While it isn’t directly stated, the implication is there. My father was unavailable so I became gay, we hear that all the time in the anti gay camp, however, what we don’t so often hear is the situation I find more common…
Two brothers raised in the same house with the same parents sharing the same love...one is heterosexual, one is gay. This is the scenario I have seen over and over again in life.
If sexual development is nurture based, then why does one boy like girls and one boy like boys, all other environmental factors being equal?
Some people are born gay and we are good that way.
7 On Apr 24th, 2008, at 11:24am, Dan Valdes wrote:
Mr. Wilkins says..."Christ does not want to be a “means to an end”. He wants you to focus on Him. He loves you, has a plan/purpose for you. He really does.”
My first question is why would you assume that I don’t share that opinion? My second question is why do you assume that I am unaware or rejecting or not living out that plan or purpose?
It’s a very loaded statement in the context of the essay you wrote. I don’t really appreciate the tone of it.
8 On Apr 28th, 2008, at 4:43pm, Carol Moore wrote:
This is more of a response to Dan’s comment, “Two brothers raised in the same house with the same parents sharing the same love"--one is ... and the other is ...: and you could go on and on about the differences in siblings.
My identical twin sister and I were raised in as nearly as possible identical situations and shared the same genes. However, we had different temperaments and reacted to similar circumstances in different ways. She was very feminine and I was quite the “tomboy.” Eventually, I became involved in secret lesbian affairs, the last of which ended 24 years ago. My twin sister committed suicide in her early 30’s.
When I actually began to open up about my past and deal with my deep-seated anger and rebellion against God and my mother, I began receiving healing from the same-sex attractions and the need for lesbian affairs.