Sexual Integrity
- Jun 1, 2007 - 2
One of the most talked-about films of the early 1990s was Indecent Proposal. It told of a young married couple who was offered a way out of bankruptcy by a handsome, middle-aged multimillionaire. What was his indecent proposal? That the young wife spend one night alone with him—in return for a cool million.
The film’s proposal was probably termed “indecent” not because it involved adultery, but because it involved money. But the true indecency of such a proposal is that it cheapens a beautiful gift of God—sexual intimacy—and undermines the institution meant to be its home: marriage. “Marriage must be respected by all,” the writer of the Book of Hebrews urged, “and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers” (Heb. 13:4).
We live in a society where over half of all marriages end in divorce, and the majority of those point to infidelity as the chief reason. All kinds of affairs exist today. There is the office affair (they were just caring co-workers). The good neighbor affair (they were just being friendly). The cup of coffee affair (they just wanted to talk). The sales meeting/convention affair (they were just lonely).
Adultery is democratic. It cuts across socio-economic lines, racial lines, and religious lines. There is no single profile of an adulterer or potential adulterer. But there are some personal characteristics that may be common to those who break their marriage vows.
Who Cheats?
When two people marry, they are saying: “I am going to meet your basic needs until one of us is dead.” What are those needs? Affection. Assurance. Companionship. Appreciation. Encouragement. Sexual fulfillment. The failure of a husband or wife to seek to meet the needs of his or her spouse often leads to adultery. Frustrated fighters who nurture battles over housekeeping, expenses, in-laws, and sex are also susceptible. When people go through life not dealing with unresolved conflict, trouble is sure to arise.
When you commit adultery, you will suffer the effects of disobedience because you are defying the structure and nature of relationships designed by God. The good news: Adultery is not the unpardonable sin. God forgives, forgets, and cleanses (1 John 1:9).
If your marriage is in trouble, don’t focus on your mate. Look at your own life and ask, “Lord, what is wrong with me?” In a spirit of humility and repentance, be reconciled with God. Ask God to administer His supernatural healing, cleansing, and forgiveness. And listen as He whispers to you, “Go and sin no more.”
How to Have an Affair-Proof Marriage
First, admit that you or your mate could stray. Every man and woman is born with a companion that never leaves their side: temptation. Who introduces temptation? The devil, the father of lies. Because we are sexual beings, we will be tempted in areas of sexuality.
Second, expect temptation. “Whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall!” (1 Cor. 10:12).
Third, do not be afraid of temptation. “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so that you are able to bear it.” (1 Cor. 10:13).
Finally, guard your thought life. We are not responsible for what comes to mind; we are responsible for what we allow to remain there. Let your mind dwell on “whatever is true…honorable…just…pure…lovely…commendable” (Phil. 4:8). Determine now what you will do when temptation comes.
Remind yourself that no matter who is saying these things or how forcefully they are spoken, they are wrong:
1. Everybody’s doing it. Yes, some are unfaithful, but many are not.
2. You can’t love your spouse and cheat. Often the love of our spouse is not the issue. We can genuinely love our mate, yet walk into the trap of an affair.
3. It’s the other spouse’s fault. This is blatantly untrue. If you are cheating on your mate, you have chosen to sin, no matter what your mate has (or has not) done.
4. An affair is strictly about sex. Physical attraction plays little, if any, role in an affair. Affairs are more about selfishness than sex.
5. Ignorance is bliss. We must deal with reality, even if it is painful.
6. If an affair has taken place, the marriage is over. The marriage may be damaged, but with time, attention, and care, the relationship can be restored.
Choosing to Love Your Mate
The general state of marriage today is shaky, at best. Serial marriage is common. Unfaithfulness is no longer considered shocking.
But you can choose to hold your marriage in honor and to keep your marriage bed undefiled. You can choose faithfulness. Make up your mind today to be faithful until death parts you and your mate. Love your husband or wife so that he or she will not be tempted to look for greener grass in the arms of another. Love God. Fear Him. Fly the flag of your faithfulness to Him and to your mate—and fly it high.
Develop a Marital Security System
1. Be controlled by a genuine love of God, so that you will want to keep His commandments (John 14:15).
2. Both partners should fear God, for that is the beginning of wisdom (Psa. 111:10).
3. Be certain of the judgment of God, for you will be held accountable (Heb. 9:27).
4. Be identified with the cause of God. Let it be known that you hold marriage in the highest regard and will not cheapen your vows by infidelity.
5. Be accountable to the people of God. Develop relationships with godly men and women who will hold you to your word, for we all have the ability to rationalize our behavior.
6. Be your mate’s best option. When you give your spouse affection, attention, praise, support, and encouragement, you build a compelling case for faithfulness.
7. Be aware of the deception of Satan. Satan must be pleased with the ways in which people justify extramarital affairs.
Ed Young Sr. is pastor of Second Baptist Church, Houston, Texas, and the author of Pure Sex (Multnomah, 1997).
Further Learning
Learn more about: Family, Marriage, Husbands, Wives, Sexual Purity
2 comments (post your own) feed
1 On Aug 7th, 2007, at 12:39am, henry wrote:
I need your help. My wife and I both have issues with being faithful spiritually. I love her a lot I believe she feels the same for me but we both are struggling with sexual imorality;me w/ internet porn , her with novels. I do have faith in Christ Jesus.
My wife will pray with me some time. I don’t know. Please pray for us. please. Thank you Richard for your faith in The Lord.
2 On Mar 24th, 2008, at 11:24am, Mark C. wrote:
Richard,
You are defining the issue correctly, it is faithfulness. What is happening is that you are going outside of the relationship to gets your needs met. It could be shopping, working out, or anything to momentarily change your mood, now you are doing it and it is a habit. Along with that you are both rejecting each and betraying one another and this breaks the trust between you. I would suggest you both learn to be honest emotionally about each other painful emotions, and talk about what it feels like. Truly respecting each other means keeping your relationship exclusive toward each other, recognizing when you you need attention or affirmation, and committing to being there for each other.