The Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission

Single father values faith, family, friends

By Stella Prather - May 3, 2008 - 1

Ooh look it’s a boy,” exclaims a young girl as she points at Toby Talley, standing among a group of mothers and their daughters visiting the Pink Bliss Boutique and Party Studio in Little Rock. Already feeling ill at ease at the girly ambiance, Talley is not quite sure how to respond. He won’t need to.

Coming to her father’s defense, 6-year-old Sophie replies, “It’s okay for him to be here. He has to be here. My mommy died.”

It is “awkward” situations like these that have become reality, says the father of Sophie and Trace, 8, since he suddenly became a single parent a little more than two years ago. Talley has taken on the roles of both dad and mom since his wife, Rachel, died Dec. 18, 2005 following an accident at the couples’ Bryant home.

“Being a single parent is definitely a challenge,” admits Toby, a member of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention’s (ABSC) evangelism and church growth team. “It is especially challenging for me to be a little bit of mom and a little bit of dad. I can’t completely be mom and I know I never will be because moms are just special. Moms can do things that only moms can do.

“It stretches me to be a mother type, but I try. So I go to birthday parties at Pink Bliss and dance class and things like that which I probably would not have done if Rachel was with us.”

Rachel, 33, was retrieving items from her home’s attic Dec. 16, 2005, and fell through the ceiling onto the garage floor. Suffering from severe head trauma, Rachel was life-flighted to a local hospital where she died two days later.

“She was my gift. I always called her that,” says Talley, whose face lights up at the mention of her name.

Talley remembers telling his children, then 4 and 6 years old, “mommy is not going to be around anymore. She is going to be in heaven.” He makes it a point to frequently talk to the children about their mother, and they often look at home videos and scrapbooks Rachel had made for both children.

“This is mommy,” says Sophie, as she plops down on the sofa and points to a photo of Rachel and herself on a page in her hot pink scrapbook.

“This scrapbook is one of the best things we have around at the house, with notes all hand written by Rachel,” Talley said, adding that he believes “the kids will cherish” the personalized mementoes as they get older. “It is hard to believe that this woman who would have gladly died for them or done whatever for them is someone that they may hardly remember one day.”

These “mommy moments” says Talley, “helps the kids I think. We talk about her and how much we miss her. We pray for her.

“The kids often remind me to pray that she has a good day in heaven. That is usually one of our prayers. I always tell them that every day is a good day in heaven.”

As a single father, Talley’s highest priority is to “make sure my kids are healthy, and have a healthy, stable life.” In this endeavor, he personally takes them to and from school as often as possible, spends quality time with each child and is involved in their school and church activities. He can often be found coaching Trace’s baseball and football teams or hanging out at Sophie’s dance class or taking her out on a “daddy and me” date to have her nails done or see a Hannah Montana movie.

He depends on his faith, friends and especially family for help.

Talley’s mother, Pat Talley, and in-laws, Leon and Joyce Ward, are always available to oblige. Time and again, they travel from their homes in southwest Arkansas to care for the children when Talley’s work responsibilities take him away from home.

“There is no way I could do this without them,” shares Talley. “I’ve told them that I can find some other work to do or other ministry. They say, ‘no!’ They tell me, ‘you keep doing what you are doing and we’ll keep doing what we are doing. We are here to help.’”

His church, Geyer Springs First Church of Little Rock, is also a tremendous asset, he said. Recalling the days right after his wife’s death, Talley said many church members, most whom he did not know, reached out in Christian love and concern. The Talley’s had only lived in central Arkansas for four months when Rachel died.

“I remember a lady at church came to me and said the church was going to bring us meals,” he said, adding that he told her that wasn’t really necessary. “She said, ‘Listen here buddy. We are going to bring you meals. I don’t care what you do with them. You can do whatever you want with them, but we are going to bring them.’”

For the next year, Sunday school classes provided meals two days a week. Another church member provided a year’s tuition for both children at Arkansas Baptist Schools.

“It is a really great school. The teachers and everybody there are a real blessing to my kids. Especially after losing their mom, to have people … and teachers who nurtured them and cared for them like they did is wonderful. This is our second year and it is worth it. So I’ve decided that I’ll do what I have to do to keep them in school, even pick up cans or whatever I need to do.”

Words don’t express his thankfulness to the ABSC staff that encourages him and understands the importances of family.

“I don’t think that I could have made it in the local church without Rachel, and I was at a great local church before I came to the ABSC. There are so many demands on a pastor, so many pulls that it would have been hard,” he said. “In my job, there is stress of course, but it is a different kind of stress.

“My boss … and coworkers encourage me to take care of my family.”

Talley said he is often reminded that he is not alone in raising his children.

Just a few weeks ago, Sophie’s teacher contacted Talley to tell him the kindergartner was having a tough time in school. “The class had been talking about heaven, and that for her is mommy’s home,” he said. “So when they started talking all about heaven, … she started crying.”

The next day in chapel, the guest speaker shared about losing her mother at a young age. After the event, the speaker personally met and encouraged Sophie.

“It was a reminder to me that God isn’t just taking care of me, He is also taking care of the kids. Their faith is just so concrete. I think it encourages my faith.”

Another prompt by God, said Talley, was when he was asked to visit a friend’s wife in the hospital who was dying of an aneurism. When he arrived at the hospital, he had to enter the emergency room. Immediately he had flashbacks to Rachel’s accident.

On his way home, Talley came upon a car accident. He found a long, blond-haired young woman laid out across the front seat of the wreckage. He held her hand and waited for medical personnel. “On my way home, I said ‘God I don’t need reminders. I know what happened and what I am going through. What is this all about?’”

He found his answer later that evening at a local movie theater. “I needed to get away and be alone. I had planned on watching the funniest movie I could find, but then … decided to watch Facing the Giants,” he recalled, adding he was the only person in that theater. “The movie is about perseverance, which I related to. It was like God said, ‘Come sit down with me.’ … God was saying, ‘Here I am. I am here. I am here.’

“He is real and He shows up when you need Him.”

Talley, now two years after his wife’s death, looks back on the experience as a time of growing his faith in God and seeing God’s hand at work. He often shares his story while preaching a sermon called, “When life doesn’t make since.”

“I think of myself back then and now. I think I had a shallow faith but storms of life make your faith deeper. I would, of course, rather have shallow faith and have my wife back, but it has changed my faith.” It has also changed others, he said, adding, “People have gotten saved, including Rachel’s nephew … Marriages were restored and people were changed.”

He encourages single parents, regardless of whether they are single by choice, divorce or death, to look to Christ for strength.

“You must trust God and realize that we can do all things through Christ that strengthens us,” said Talley. “There will be challenging days, regardless of who you are, but especially those who are single parents there are days that are just dark.

“On those days you just have to trust God, and that is a challenge sometimes because it seems sometimes when you are a single parent life can knock the faith out of you. But even on those days, I have learned that when I don’t feel so Christian I can trust God. He gets me through it.”

Single parents, he said, need to get away from the stresses of life. Noting that he enjoys spending time on his deer lease, he said “find time for yourselves, even if it is just a trip to Wal-Mart … or to take in a movie.”

He stressed that married adults must strive for healthy and stable relationships. You never know when that can be taken away.

“My wife and I had a really healthy and stable relationship,” recalls Talley, adding that, “it took work to get there.” He believes his strong marriage has helped his children weather this storm of life.

“I remember saying two weeks before the accident, ‘Rachel our kids are on the right path. … I know they are young, but you can kind of tell. They are just doing so good. If something freaky doesn’t happen to them then I think they will be good.’”

The reality of change is the greatest challenge of being a single parent, he says. “Sometimes … I find myself asking God, ‘Is this it? Is this it?’

“Yes this is it. This is our life. But I’ve learned God is good. He is in the midst of junk that happens in life. He is still God and He is still good.”

So for now, he said, he’ll keep depending on God in the midst of life’s challenges facing a single parent. Even pink ones.

Further Learning

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