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How to lead a child’s heart away from porn

A 10-point discussion guide

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May 13, 2019

I am utterly saddened over the pandemic of pornography in our society. It can’t be overstated. Porn is on Instagram, Pinterest, and on Facebook (via shared “gifts” in the messenger app). On WhatsApp, kids are texting each other gifs and links. In addition, web browsers are attached to most apps and video gaming equipment.

Children have access to it everywhere, and it is coming to them whether they seek it or not. We are at a point in time where we must deliberately avoid pornography rather than deliberately seek it out. As parents, we cannot be too vigilant in protecting our kids. We are sticklers about our children sleeping on their backs, and wearing seatbelts and helmets. We ensure they avoid stranger danger, processed food and soda, and even sunburns. We must tack porn onto that list.

But that one’s hard. To fully protect them, we’d have to micromanage every click and image that passes their eyes. It’s not possible. Screens are here to stay; our kids will see porn. It's our responsibility to eliminate every possible source of it. And that's not enough. We have to talk to our kids about what they are going to see without shaming them. What do we say beside, "Hey guys, don’t look at porn, it’s bad for you?"

After doing a bit of research, it's clear that victory comes down to a common denominator: it’s a heart issue. They'll exchange their healthy hearts for fleshly, lurid temptations, or they will rightly turn away from worthless things. It dawned on me recently that we might actually have to teach them the qualities of a healthy heart.  My middle-schoolers, bobbing around in their deep blue sea of emotions, probably have no idea what their heart should be feeling.

As parents, we can lead children to recognize exactly what they should be feeling when they come across pornography. So, here are 10 points, or "heart ambitions" that we explained to our middle-schoolers, both of whom have already been in contact with pornography (my heart hurts just typing that).

1. The cornerstone of protection is prayer.

I pray for my children’s heart purity as often as I think of it, and I have taught them they must pray it for themselves. Nothing long—just a one-sentence aspiration as often as they brush their teeth: “Lord, please strengthen me to stand up to the temptation of pornography.” It doesn’t have to be a lengthy epistle for God to hear. It’s a penny in the jar—and over time, this adds up to a substantial volume of prayer equity. Prayer is the bedrock, and God will strengthen those who seek rightly-ordered hearts (Isa. 41:10).

2. Heart ambition: sympathy

With every click, we told our children, you are virtually voting “yes” to victimizing the individuals in these images/videos. The people shown in these media are victims, even if they seemingly chose to participate. If you had a conversation with a performer, you would find that they abhor their role, that they feel trapped there. Viewing these images/gifs/videos is parallel to giving a standing ovation to their victimization. We don’t want you to vote yes to victimizing. Your heart should feel tremendous sympathy for the situation of these victims.

3.  Heart ambition: righteous indignation

When you click that link, you contribute to the human-trafficking industry as a whole. Generally, porn use is a risk to yourself; however, in this respect you are effectively putting others at risk. The more clicks a site receives, the more money they make. What do they do with that money? Get rich on exploiting and selling women and girls. (side note: How can this be happening in a feminist culture?)

Porn is kerosene on society’s forest fire of sexual assault, abuse, and slavery. Human trafficking is tremendously lucrative because its clientele have no brakes on their disoriented urges. Lust-fuelled porn users compulsively click to engage and ultimately act on human prey.

Porn is a propellant for modern slave trade. Your heart should feel outraged that this is the fuel that enslaves thousands.

4. Heart ambition: tenderheartedness

After continual use of explicit material, you will see the actors as nothing more than a collection of body parts. If they are just a collection of body parts, they are not human to you. Think about the qualities that make someone human. These are people with hopes and dreams. They have souls and crave love. History has shown that the worst human atrocities happen when one party sees the other party as not human. Taking it a step further, over time, your own compassion for humanity in general will deplete. I want your heart to remain soft toward them. Porn desensitizes the user and dehumanizes the actors. Your heart should feel tender compassion toward all humankind.

5.  Heart ambition: grateful appreciation

It feels awful now, but, it is a grace to get caught. We care very much about defending you from harmful, addictive behaviors. There really is no such thing as getting away with anything, anyway. God sees it all. Getting caught means we can lovingly show you how to get back on the right track before anything gets out of hand. Our home is a soft place to practice walking among the hazards of the world. We create boundaries for you now, but in few short years, our boundaries will be removed. At that point, you’re expected to uphold your own boundaries. Our margins are for your good, the joy of others, and God’s glory. You should feel thankful to be cushioned with loving boundaries meant to protect you from addiction. These margins also pad your world with truth, beauty, and goodness.

6.  Heart ambition: self-assurance

When looking at sexual material, the feelings of curiosity and pleasure mean that you are wired properly. Don’t be overwhelmed or overthink your sexual desires. They are normal. Those feelings are meant to be freely expressed with your future spouse in a lifelong marriage. Even though they are quite strong, don’t be afraid of them; they are healthy and have a purpose. You should feel assured in your feelings of sexual desire.

7.  Heart ambition: noble excellence

Excellence in your sexuality is central to your enjoyment of adulthood. So many people experience unrelenting torment and agony when it’s been misused, or worse, used as a weapon. Sex is supremely beautiful and sacred. The only safe way to handle its sanctity is within the promises of marriage. Only after making those covenant promises should you share the most holy portion of yourself. It displays nobility to revere sexuality as consecrated and sacred. You get to feel valorous and heroic by defending the holiness of your (and your future spouse’s) sexuality.

8.  Heart ambition: empowerment

The more you stand against the temptation of pornography, the stronger you will stand in the face of all the other temptations of life. Childhood is the ideal arena to perfect the life-skill of denying your wayward temptations. We need to be good at it before beginning adulthood, where all the temptations will burgeon exponentially. Saying no is spiritual bodybuilding; it cultivates spiritual muscle memory. This is another proverbial penny jar—bit by bit you build proficiency. It gets easier to see the lure coming, and you’ll be sturdy enough to avoid it without a lot of fuss. You should feel empowered: your cumulative “no’s” will breed a stronger mind and heart.

9.  Heart ambition: personal triumph

Be willing to gouge out an eye if it causes you to fail (Matt. 18). This means you should cut off any source of addiction. This metaphor implies pain, and truthfully, it will be an uncomfortable reality at first. An unpleasant part of parenting is that we have to do the gouging and the cutting off out of love and concern for your wellbeing.

Think through what might need to be gouged out. This might mean cutting out the smart phone and using a dumb phone, or cutting off the “right hand” of Instagram, Pinterest, or social media. Whatever the source, discard it. Take action, now. Don’t just cross your fingers hoping not to do it again. Eliminate it, or make it extremely difficult for yourself to get access to that thing. There is no hope for longterm victory without eliminating the source. Look to feel a sense of personal accomplishment in crafting a strategy for longterm success.

10. Heart ambition: freedom

I know the real you. The real you loves to laugh, be outside, enjoy friendship, conversations, games, and sports. You love drawing and animals and football. That is the real you. When you are engaging in porn, however, it is like pouring vinegar on soda—the images, feelings, urges, the guilt— it sizzles away at the real you. The addictive nature of porn will change your affections.

Rather than having increasingly corrupted interests overtake what you really love, focus on your first loves. The real you wants to be fully known and find pure joy in life’s truest pleasures. Enjoy feeling absolute freedom in having nothing to hide from anyone. Experience true liberty in pursuing what makes you authentically happy.

There is never an auto-pilot. None of us will ever get away from the assault of pornography. The resolve to turn away must be deliberate and continual. But, be encouraged! We don't wake up having to face an entire lifetime of temptation every morning. We only need to be ready for today’s temptation. The 10 points above can help us guide and direct our children toward victory over pornography. And we can rest and trust in the Lord, knowing we’re doing everything in our power to set the conditions for our children’s mental, physical, and spiritual health.

Additional resources:

Leigh Gust

Leigh Gust is a graduate of Grove City College, a veteran, an Army spouse, and home-educates her five children, ages 2-13.  She spends her free time CrossFitting with her husband, blogging at The Prime Pursuit, and schlepping her family of 7 around the UK and Europe before their time stationed … Read More

Article 12: The Future of AI

We affirm that AI will continue to be developed in ways that we cannot currently imagine or understand, including AI that will far surpass many human abilities. God alone has the power to create life, and no future advancements in AI will usurp Him as the Creator of life. The church has a unique role in proclaiming human dignity for all and calling for the humane use of AI in all aspects of society.

We deny that AI will make us more or less human, or that AI will ever obtain a coequal level of worth, dignity, or value to image-bearers. Future advancements in AI will not ultimately fulfill our longings for a perfect world. While we are not able to comprehend or know the future, we do not fear what is to come because we know that God is omniscient and that nothing we create will be able to thwart His redemptive plan for creation or to supplant humanity as His image-bearers.

Genesis 1; Isaiah 42:8; Romans 1:20-21; 5:2; Ephesians 1:4-6; 2 Timothy 1:7-9; Revelation 5:9-10

Article 11: Public Policy

We affirm that the fundamental purposes of government are to protect human beings from harm, punish those who do evil, uphold civil liberties, and to commend those who do good. The public has a role in shaping and crafting policies concerning the use of AI in society, and these decisions should not be left to those who develop these technologies or to governments to set norms.

We deny that AI should be used by governments, corporations, or any entity to infringe upon God-given human rights. AI, even in a highly advanced state, should never be delegated the governing authority that has been granted by an all-sovereign God to human beings alone. 

Romans 13:1-7; Acts 10:35; 1 Peter 2:13-14

Article 10: War

We affirm that the use of AI in warfare should be governed by love of neighbor and the principles of just war. The use of AI may mitigate the loss of human life, provide greater protection of non-combatants, and inform better policymaking. Any lethal action conducted or substantially enabled by AI must employ 5 human oversight or review. All defense-related AI applications, such as underlying data and decision-making processes, must be subject to continual review by legitimate authorities. When these systems are deployed, human agents bear full moral responsibility for any actions taken by the system.

We deny that human agency or moral culpability in war can be delegated to AI. No nation or group has the right to use AI to carry out genocide, terrorism, torture, or other war crimes.

Genesis 4:10; Isaiah 1:16-17; Psalm 37:28; Matthew 5:44; 22:37-39; Romans 13:4

Article 9: Security

We affirm that AI has legitimate applications in policing, intelligence, surveillance, investigation, and other uses supporting the government’s responsibility to respect human rights, to protect and preserve human life, and to pursue justice in a flourishing society.

We deny that AI should be employed for safety and security applications in ways that seek to dehumanize, depersonalize, or harm our fellow human beings. We condemn the use of AI to suppress free expression or other basic human rights granted by God to all human beings.

Romans 13:1-7; 1 Peter 2:13-14

Article 8: Data & Privacy

We affirm that privacy and personal property are intertwined individual rights and choices that should not be violated by governments, corporations, nation-states, and other groups, even in the pursuit of the common good. While God knows all things, it is neither wise nor obligatory to have every detail of one’s life open to society.

We deny the manipulative and coercive uses of data and AI in ways that are inconsistent with the love of God and love of neighbor. Data collection practices should conform to ethical guidelines that uphold the dignity of all people. We further deny that consent, even informed consent, although requisite, is the only necessary ethical standard for the collection, manipulation, or exploitation of personal data—individually or in the aggregate. AI should not be employed in ways that distort truth through the use of generative applications. Data should not be mishandled, misused, or abused for sinful purposes to reinforce bias, strengthen the powerful, or demean the weak.

Exodus 20:15, Psalm 147:5; Isaiah 40:13-14; Matthew 10:16 Galatians 6:2; Hebrews 4:12-13; 1 John 1:7 

Article 7: Work

We affirm that work is part of God’s plan for human beings participating in the cultivation and stewardship of creation. The divine pattern is one of labor and rest in healthy proportion to each other. Our view of work should not be confined to commercial activity; it must also include the many ways that human beings serve each other through their efforts. AI can be used in ways that aid our work or allow us to make fuller use of our gifts. The church has a Spirit-empowered responsibility to help care for those who lose jobs and to encourage individuals, communities, employers, and governments to find ways to invest in the development of human beings and continue making vocational contributions to our lives together.

We deny that human worth and dignity is reducible to an individual’s economic contributions to society alone. Humanity should not use AI and other technological innovations as a reason to move toward lives of pure leisure even if greater social wealth creates such possibilities.

Genesis 1:27; 2:5; 2:15; Isaiah 65:21-24; Romans 12:6-8; Ephesians 4:11-16

Article 6: Sexuality

We affirm the goodness of God’s design for human sexuality which prescribes the sexual union to be an exclusive relationship between a man and a woman in the lifelong covenant of marriage.

We deny that the pursuit of sexual pleasure is a justification for the development or use of AI, and we condemn the objectification of humans that results from employing AI for sexual purposes. AI should not intrude upon or substitute for the biblical expression of sexuality between a husband and wife according to God’s design for human marriage.

Genesis 1:26-29; 2:18-25; Matthew 5:27-30; 1 Thess 4:3-4

Article 5: Bias

We affirm that, as a tool created by humans, AI will be inherently subject to bias and that these biases must be accounted for, minimized, or removed through continual human oversight and discretion. AI should be designed and used in such ways that treat all human beings as having equal worth and dignity. AI should be utilized as a tool to identify and eliminate bias inherent in human decision-making.

We deny that AI should be designed or used in ways that violate the fundamental principle of human dignity for all people. Neither should AI be used in ways that reinforce or further any ideology or agenda, seeking to subjugate human autonomy under the power of the state.

Micah 6:8; John 13:34; Galatians 3:28-29; 5:13-14; Philippians 2:3-4; Romans 12:10

Article 4: Medicine

We affirm that AI-related advances in medical technologies are expressions of God’s common grace through and for people created in His image and that these advances will increase our capacity to provide enhanced medical diagnostics and therapeutic interventions as we seek to care for all people. These advances should be guided by basic principles of medical ethics, including beneficence, non-maleficence, autonomy, and justice, which are all consistent with the biblical principle of loving our neighbor.

We deny that death and disease—effects of the Fall—can ultimately be eradicated apart from Jesus Christ. Utilitarian applications regarding healthcare distribution should not override the dignity of human life. Fur- 3 thermore, we reject the materialist and consequentialist worldview that understands medical applications of AI as a means of improving, changing, or completing human beings.

Matthew 5:45; John 11:25-26; 1 Corinthians 15:55-57; Galatians 6:2; Philippians 2:4

Article 3: Relationship of AI & Humanity

We affirm the use of AI to inform and aid human reasoning and moral decision-making because it is a tool that excels at processing data and making determinations, which often mimics or exceeds human ability. While AI excels in data-based computation, technology is incapable of possessing the capacity for moral agency or responsibility.

We deny that humans can or should cede our moral accountability or responsibilities to any form of AI that will ever be created. Only humanity will be judged by God on the basis of our actions and that of the tools we create. While technology can be created with a moral use in view, it is not a moral agent. Humans alone bear the responsibility for moral decision making.

Romans 2:6-8; Galatians 5:19-21; 2 Peter 1:5-8; 1 John 2:1

Article 2: AI as Technology

We affirm that the development of AI is a demonstration of the unique creative abilities of human beings. When AI is employed in accordance with God’s moral will, it is an example of man’s obedience to the divine command to steward creation and to honor Him. We believe in innovation for the glory of God, the sake of human flourishing, and the love of neighbor. While we acknowledge the reality of the Fall and its consequences on human nature and human innovation, technology can be used in society to uphold human dignity. As a part of our God-given creative nature, human beings should develop and harness technology in ways that lead to greater flourishing and the alleviation of human suffering.

We deny that the use of AI is morally neutral. It is not worthy of man’s hope, worship, or love. Since the Lord Jesus alone can atone for sin and reconcile humanity to its Creator, technology such as AI cannot fulfill humanity’s ultimate needs. We further deny the goodness and benefit of any application of AI that devalues or degrades the dignity and worth of another human being. 

Genesis 2:25; Exodus 20:3; 31:1-11; Proverbs 16:4; Matthew 22:37-40; Romans 3:23

Article 1: Image of God

We affirm that God created each human being in His image with intrinsic and equal worth, dignity, and moral agency, distinct from all creation, and that humanity’s creativity is intended to reflect God’s creative pattern.

We deny that any part of creation, including any form of technology, should ever be used to usurp or subvert the dominion and stewardship which has been entrusted solely to humanity by God; nor should technology be assigned a level of human identity, worth, dignity, or moral agency.

Genesis 1:26-28; 5:1-2; Isaiah 43:6-7; Jeremiah 1:5; John 13:34; Colossians 1:16; 3:10; Ephesians 4:24