Pastors, how is your mental health?
By / Oct 18

I remember the first time I was the client in a counselor’s office. I was in college and visited the on-campus counseling center as a part of a class assignment. I was in the psychology program, and my professors gave bonus points for meeting with one of their graduate students. It was a win-win; the graduate student was able to practice, and I got bonus points (which I desperately needed after that last psychopharmacology test). 

I didn’t go easy on her. I was actually the type of client that all therapists dread. I stared at the poor graduate student with a “don’t even try it” kind of stare. I gave one-word answers. She had a smile pasted on her face and panic in her eyes. I was determined to get through the session with very little information shared, and I did. 

Despite my opposition, I really could have used counseling back then. Those around me knew it — a chaplain, a coach, roommates, and even a walk-in clinic doctor recognized the signs and approached me about them. Knowing what I know now, I met the criteria for a major depressive disorder. I needed help but was determined to figure it all out on my own. 

Recognizing my own need for counseling

After graduate school, I was fortunate enough to work for an organization where the leadership set an example of caring for their own mental health by talking openly about their personal counseling experiences. It was through this open environment that I finally gave myself permission to seek help. 

The leadership in my organization modeled for me how to be gentle and honest with myself. I didn’t have to be duplicitous, as I had assumed that I did. Through the vulnerability and humility of my supervisors and my therapist, I learned that I don’t have to be perfect or always have it together. And I don’t have to completely disconnect from myself by ignoring my emotional needs, throwing myself into my work at the cost of others and myself, or by distracting myself with mind-numbing activities like binge watching television shows or eating when I’m not hungry. I learned I can press forward in my life, bringing my struggles with me, instead of disconnecting, hiding, or leaving them behind. As I acknowledged the struggle, with the help of a compassionate third party, I was able to heal the parts of me that needed healing.  

Today, in my private practice as a marriage and family therapist and trauma specialist, I carry into my office every day the very important lessons that I once had to learn. The personal healing I have experienced allows me to bring all of me into whatever I am doing. When I sit with someone who is emotional, I can bear to sit in his or her presence because I have learned to be with my own emotional pain. When I hear a hard story, I can empathize and validate their experience, whereas, before, I would have had the strong urge to fix their problem and move on, the same urges I used on myself.  We see these same strong urges in Job when he is lamenting in his suffering and his friends, unable to bear it, suggest the reasons for his suffering and offer suggestions to fix it.  

It is my desire to share the lessons I had to learn with those who share a common interest in helping others through counseling, pastoring, or the like — and equip us all to serve and live in healthy ways within our communities.

Two years of trauma takes its toll on those in ministry

Over the course of my career, I have begun to see an increase in pastors, missionaries, and pastoral counselors reaching out for counseling. The past two years we, as a society, have experienced near relentless, collective, and complex trauma and grief. Ministers have reached breaking points as the weight of the demands by society, local community, and congregation have compounded into insurmountable weight. No one has come through these last two years unscathed. In my own home state of Tennessee, we have lost pastors to suicide. 

Pastors couldn’t catch their breath from one crisis before another was upon them. Church leaders have been forced to make urgent and unprecedented decisions with no road map and guaranteed backlash. They have had to adapt how they minister, learning new technologies and public health best practices. Pastors have had to learn how to disarm internet-fueled hostility among congregation members without the training to do so. Some have lost church members to suicide, drug overdoses, and other self-destructive decisions that pastors feel powerless to stop. 

At the same time, pastors have had their own emotional responses to what has been happening in our country and the world, while also leading people through collective grief. 

Somehow, in years past, many of us ascribed to the idea that to be a Christian meant to appear perfect. As this message grew, ministry leaders have had to work harder and harder to appear as if they have all the answers and have struggled with their own issues in the dark. In doing so, they have unintentionally led the way for the congregations to do the same. This false definition of faith, along with the compounded trauma we’ve all experienced, has led many ministers to lonely places where the choices include duplicitous living, cutting off from self, isolation from others, numbing behaviors, or despondency. 

You do not have to struggle alone. The loneliest place anyone can be is in the middle of their own personal struggles while in a leadership position. Authenticity could potentially either put you out of a job or possibly create a hostile working environment. It is important to understand that counseling is not just for individuals with a mental health diagnosis. Counseling can be a place to unburden, lament, grieve, share the internal struggle, work through conflict, work on relationships within the family, or sometimes, it can be a place of confession. At the very least, it’s a place you can go, where for at least an hour, you know you are not alone.

The hope of new beginnings 

Resurrection after death is a central tenant of the Christian faith. Endings are followed by new beginnings. We see evidence of this truth in the annual “death and resurrection” of the four seasons in nature, but this truth is demonstrated most clearly in the suffering, death, and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

We have the opportunity to see endings and beginnings with deaths and resurrections in our own lives.  When I entered counseling all those years ago, I was in the midst of suffering. I had the opportunity to recognize and put to death several grievances, hurts, and traumas from my own life. Out of that experience came a new beginning for me, and I began seeing the world and people in my life in a new and loving way. It is this hope of new life and faith in the cycle of death and promised resurrection that allows Christians to be resilient in the face of trauma and suffering.

My invitation to pastors is to slow down long enough to process all the pain and sorrow of the last few years and lament with God. It is an invitation to acknowledge, at least to yourself and to God, that you need help. Then, look for a professional in your area who can be an objective third party with some expertise in the area of your struggle. I invite you to begin honest conversations with your congregation about how someone can be a Christian and struggle with emotional and mental health issues. And I invite you to schedule a meeting with local counseling agencies or individuals about how you can work together in your community. 

Extending the blessing of care to others

It is my prayer that pastors realize that caring for their own mental health has blessings that extend into the emotional, mental, and spiritual life of their congregation. It begins by leading with vulnerability and humility, “boasting in weaknesses” like the Apostle Paul. (2 Corin 12:9)  It looks like acknowledging there isn’t always an answer to what is right, and that we can sit in the discomfort of that together without making an impulsive decision or declaration. This emotional patience demonstrates a resiliency factor found in spiritually mature individuals. Spiritual maturity can acknowledge the uneasiness in the question of why our loving God allows evil, hard things, sit in the uncertainty, and still trust and believe in the goodness of God (Job 13:15).  

The call for pastors and ministry leaders is simple, yet often hard to follow. Recognize and acknowledge your own mental and emotional pain. Do your work. Reach out and start down a path of honesty, humility, and accountability with a local counselor. Offer some of your story to your congregation, and extend to them the invitation to be honest. Connect with mental health professionals in your area, and find ways to collaborate to bring spiritual, mental, and emotional healing to your communities.  

I learned an important life lesson all those years ago when the leaders in my agency shared their own stories, talking openly about accountability and the support they needed. Their testimony opened to me a pathway that wasn’t available before — one that showed me that strong and passionate Christians can also struggle with mental health issues and what to do with that reality. A pathway that involves individual work, community work, and community support. Pastors and ministry leaders have an opportunity to introduce their congregations to this pathway, maybe for the first time, that bridges the emotional, mental, and spiritual health together. 

How to deal with our pandemic grief
By / Jun 9

The pandemic has been difficult, to say the least, and even with reopenings and a sense of normalcy, there is still a fog that hasn’t lifted. These moments can be quite disorienting and discouraging as we try to recognize the reality of our lives without slipping out of hope’s grasp. 

I think a major contribution to this fog is that the grief of the last year goes unrecognized or even minimized. Sometimes this occurs when we compare our grief to another’s or ignore it because it feels too overwhelming to face while still trying to navigate the current life season.

Grief is capable of shocking subtleties. And the reality is that we are actually trapped in grief if we can’t recognize what is worth lamenting. We get stuck when we can’t make sense of what has happened, why, or how it affects and changes our lives.

Grief in our current climate

I recently counseled a couple who worked overseas but had to return to the states for purposes related to COVID-19 restrictions, the death of their unborn child, and the repercussions that a medical threat posed to the wife. Under those circumstances, the marital relationship was quite strained, and it was easy for previous annoyances that had been covered up for years within the marriage to be pointed out. The sudden return to the states also meant a lack of closure with friends and co-workers.

That is a lot to grieve and to begin unpacking and processing. Unfortunately, grief was not a priority to the couple. Instead, one spouse focused on the marital frustrations of family interactions, while the other spouse focused on appeasing the other. Both tried moving around the “annoyances” of grief so they could look into returning to their work. This is avoidance, and it is an unhealthy attempt to deal with reality.

Symptoms of grief

Grief is the sense of loss in one’s life, and it comes in many shapes. We may experience the loss of graduations, celebrations or family gatherings, hugs and kisses with grandkids, a job, a break up, a death, not being able to comfort or communicate with those in the hospital, and being unable to even attend funerals. Although these are all varying degrees of difficult circumstances, the impact is the same: a need to process a sensed loss (i.e., grief). We’ve all experienced losses throughout the pandemic, and many of them often go unnoticed. Our lives of normalcy and predictability have halted, and the byproduct of broken dreams and plans gets mislabeled as unimportant in comparison to the medical tragedies.

Grief can symptomize in many ways, and so can our unhealthy attempts to soothe the pain. There may be a lack of energy or an abundance of activity. We might mask pain through overt use of humor, withdrawing from close friends, or with overcommitted schedules. Perhaps there are angry outbursts that blame loved ones instead of having to deal with the painful emotions within. We may even feel isolated from others or experience guilt.

Honoring what we value through grief

It’s unfortunate that we overlook the necessity to care well for each other and ourselves in the midst of all that we negatively experience in life. Grief doesn’t go away simply by avoiding or being unwilling to admit its existence. It doesn’t even go away by acknowledging there is sorrow. We must come to terms with the new reality. It takes courage to recognize loss because nobody wants grief to be a true experience in life. But the truth is we honor what we value when we can also grieve its loss. Until we can do that, it is just a stuck emotion that is like a lodged cracker in the back of the throat.

The good news is that you’re not the only one who struggles, and it isn’t a sign that you’re going crazy. The psalms show us it’s actually quite normal to experience the human emotions given to us by God. These emotions are necessary for healthy living. You can take ownership of your grief and understand what has happened and how you have been affected. I encourage you to reach out to others whom you trust and know will care for you. As a Christian, you have a compassionate resource built into the local church community. And of course, take your grief to Jesus. He knows your sorrows and cares for you (Rom. 8:16; 1 Pet. 5:7). 

Of course, you may need to process your specific issues with a professional counselor. I have benefitted from this and from talking with good friends and my wife. My encouragement to you is to be courageous and curious enough to deal with the grief that may be stuck and overlooked after the challenges of this pandemic season.

What Should Counselors Do When Encountering a Domestic Abuse Situation?
By / Dec 17

Clearly, abuse is not something new or modern. It has been one of the results of sin in our fallen world from the very beginning. Tim Lane and Paul Tripp write, “The Bible is not about an idyllic world full of noble people who always make the right choice. The Bible describes a world we recognize, where very good and very bad things happen, and where people make wonderful and horrible choices. The Bible describes a world that sometimes makes us laugh, but often makes us cry.”1Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp, How People Change (Greensboro, NC: New Growth, 2008), 98. 

The Bible condemns abusive violence of all kinds. The Bible not only describes abuse and narrates tragic stories of abuse, it also clearly and unequivocally condemns abuse of all kinds (cf. Ex. 21:12–27). Abuse of authority or power is always a sin. It is never an acceptable dynamic in any relationship, especially a marriage relationship. The psalmist writes, “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion” (Ps. 11:5). Does that language surprise you? Aren’t we told hate the sin, not the sinner? Not always so. Here the Bible speaks loud and clear—God hates those who love violence. 

The Bible speaks honestly of abuse, condemning abuse and those who practice violence. But most importantly—and what your counselee needs to hear—is this: God hears the cries of the abused, the oppressed, the torn down, the battered, and the beaten.2Cf. Abigail and Nabal in 1 Samuel 25:3, 17, 24–25, 38 and the Israelites in Jeremiah 50:33–34.  Psalm 10:17 states, “You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.” The abused have a God who is never deaf to their cries for help.3Cf. Psalm 5, 7, 10, 55–57, 140.  Ed Welch writes, “If she [he] looks for words to say in the Psalms she will find that God especially invites those who have enemies and oppressors to come to him.”4Edward T. Welch, “Living with an Angry Husband,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 24, no. 4 (2006): 47.  

Indeed, our Savior is someone who understands what it means to be afflicted and oppressed: “He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain” (Isa. 53:3). 

In marriage, all forms of abuse must be addressed and taken seriously by the counselor. As referenced in chapter three, when abuse is taking place in a marriage, the marriage counseling needs to come to an end. At this point, individual and separate counseling for the abused and the abuser is necessary.5The level of competency needed to address issues like domestic violence and abuse are most likely beyond the scope of the average pastor. That does not mean the pastor is absolved of responsibility, but in instances of abuse, pastors should probably help develop a network of care, accountability, and counsel.  Winston Smith writes, “It’s important to identify the presence of abuse in marriage because, undetected, these patterns can sabotage the counseling process. A fundamental dynamic of marriage counseling is helping spouses examine their own behavior so that each understands his or her contribution to shared problems, but this very process can unwittingly play into patterns of abuse rather than stop them.”6Winston Smith, “When NOT to Do Marriage Counseling,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 27, no. 1 (2013): 73–74. 

In counseling husbands who are abusive, it must be made absolutely clear that biblical headship does not entitle a husband to treat his wife in a violent or oppressive manner. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of a husband’s leadership to exercise control over another individual.7One of the dynamics that can lead to outbreaks of domestic violence in marriages is an upside-down view of complementarian headship, i.e., that the husband is the head of the wife. A husband can wield such authority in an ungodly way. Jason Meyer states, “Hyper-headship is a satanic distortion of male leadership, but it can fly under the radar of discernment because it is disguised as strong male leadership. Make no mistake—it is harsh, oppressive, and controlling. In other words, hyper-headship becomes a breeding ground for domestic abuse.” Jason Meyer, “Hyper-Headship and the Scandal of Domestic Abuse in the Church,” April 28, 2015. The Gospel Coalition: https://blogs.thegospelcoalition.org/justintaylor/2015/04/28/ hyper-headship-and-the-scandal-of-domestic-abuse-in-the-church/. Another dynamic that can lead to women being called to submit to such abusive headship is a high view of marriage that leads to a “marriages must be saved at all costs” mentality. Both must be balanced by a biblical understanding of Scripture.  Biblical headship is described as sacrificial servanthood, not unlimited authority (Mark 10:42–45). Let’s not confuse terms—when a husband demands his own way or dominates his wife, we do not call this biblical headship, we call it what it is—selfishness and abuse of power. 

In light of this, what should we do as counselors? Two immediate priorities emerge: identify immediate needs and plan for long-term care. 

Identifying Immediate Needs

The first immediate need in any domestic violence situation is to prioritize the safety of the abused.8Brad Hambrick has a helpful post on the triage of complex counseling cases: http://bradhambrick. com/triage2/.  Often this is primarily a matter of physical safety. Make sure they have emergency contact numbers at hand. As a counselor or pastor, you should not be their first phone call in case of emergency. Here are a few helpful numbers and tips. 

  • Emergency 9–1–1 
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) 
  • Know the number for your local law enforcement.
  • If they are there in the office with you, offer to help make the call with them. 
  • Pastors and ministry leaders should be familiar with local women’s shelters and emergency personnel in their area.

If they are in an abusive relationship, help them develop a personal safety plan. Here are several helpful templates available online: 

Seek an assessment of the situation to differentiate abuse from everyday relational conflict. Using the definition of domestic violence provided by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb, a number of issues can help you understand the difference between abuse and everyday conflict:9Holcomb and Holcomb, Is It My Fault?, 57–58. 

  • Intentional: The abuser is willfully using abusive tactics to get what they want. 
  • Methodical: Abusers steadily increase abusive behaviors to get what they want. 
  • Pattern: Abuse is not a series of isolated events, but an overarching pattern of behavior designed to inflict harm on an individual. 
  • Tactics: Shaming, exploitation, threats, intimidation, and self-pity are all common tactics used by abusers. 
  • Power: The abuser uses power—physical, emotional, financial—to achieve control over their spouse or other victims. 
  • Control: By whatever means necessary, abusers want their spouse to be under their control—physically, emotionally, financially, and even at times, spiritually. 
  • Desires: The abuser wants what the abuser wants. Any outside needs or concerns are discounted at the expense of what they desire. 

Understand that abuse typically escalates. Yes, there might be days and weeks when the abuse recedes into the background, but over the balance of the relationship, abuse tends to escalate and intensify without intervention. Make sure you are not sending the abused back into an environment unprepared. 

Planning for Long-Term Care

A second priority is planning for long-term care. In cases where physical safety is a concern, a physical separation is advised. However, encouraging the abused spouse to separate from their abusive spouse must not be done lightly. “When church leaders act too quickly, questioning or confronting the abuser before the victim is ready, they can cause more harm than good, even putting the victim in greater danger. The victim may be silenced and punished by the abuser who now knows she spoke to an outsider. Ensuring the immediate safety of the victim is essential, but so is securing her long-term safety.”

Darby Strickland reminds us, “Keep in mind that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is fleeing abuse. There is no room for optimistic and naive thinking when it pertains to safety issues. It is incumbent upon us to be educated.”10Darby Strickland, “Counseling in the Brambles: How to Help Oppressive Marriages,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 30, no. 3 (2016): 37.  This is not a time to deliver a theological argument about divorce and remarriage. That can come at a later point. Right now the immediate need is the care and support of the abused.11For additional reading on the topic of divorce in abusive marriages, I would recommend Jim Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers, 259–65; and David Instone- Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, 93–106. The scope of this chapter does not allow for questions related to the biblical arguments for/against divorce/separation in cases of abuse. 

Yes, God calls us to endure suffering. Yes, he can redeem us through suffering and hardship, but those principles must be balanced and read in relationship to all of Scripture. God cares about the oppressed and seeks to deliver them. God cares for the individuals in marriage as much as he cares for the institution of marriage. You do not have a “high view of marriage” if you encourage spouses to endure abuse. This is actually a low view of marriage. 

Ask questions to help you gain a better perspective and understanding of the situation.12The Holcombs have a list of questions in their book Is It My Fault? on pages 32–35. Leslie Vernick has a downloadable survey you can use at her website: http://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/Relationship -test .pdf.  At this point, some counselees might be fearful of retribution from the abusive spouse or feel they are betraying their spouse by answering your questions. Help the abused understand that sharing their story is not a betrayal of their spouse. Ed Welch notes, “It is not a betrayal of the perpetrator. Instead, one goal is to bring the perpetrator’s sin to light so he has the opportunity to turn to God and, as a result, turn away from God’s wrath.”13Edward T. Welch, “Living with an Angry Husband,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 24, no. 4 (2006): 48. 

If the abused decides to leave the abuser, utilize all the resources at your disposal (e.g., benevolence fund, deacon fund, etc.) to help them find food and shelter. Remember that our faith is an active faith, so wise words should be accompanied by good deeds (James 2:14). 

It is important that you do not handle this situation on your own. Early on, you will need to identify and get help from a variety of people, including: medical professionals, legal professionals, counselors, law enforcement, etc. 

And you should pray with your counselee. It might seem inconsequential to you, but this powerful act of prayer is most likely something they haven’t experienced before. Pray specifically, powerfully, and expectantly for God to draw near to the abused. 

Heavenly Father, 

I come to you this afternoon and ask for your help in the midst of Lucy’s trouble. Father, you know her, you created her, and you love her. Help her right now in this moment to sense your presence and care. I pray that she knows that you see her, hear her, and have a plan to rescue her from evil. 

Amen. 

When Spouses Remain in Abusive Relationships

What should you do with spouses who choose to remain in abusive relationships? First, do not condemn or shame. The dynamics of seeking to separate from an abuser are incredibly complex. Leaving an abuser does not necessarily mean that the abuse ends. Justin and Lindsey Holcomb note, “Domestic abuse does not end immediately with separation from the abuser. Over 75% of separated women suffer post-separation abuse.”14Holcomb and Holcomb, Is It My Fault?, 64.  

While separation from the abuser is recommended, that is not always what the abused chooses. Chuck DeGroat writes, “A decision to stay in a relationship with an abuser requires significant spiritual/emotional strength. They have an internal strength and sense of identity (rooted deeply in Christ, not in the devastating “arrows to the heart” from the abuser). This choice often comes after significant self-assessment in relationship with wise counselors and pastors. It also comes in the context of the community looking in on her well-being. When or why she should stay is not answered by filling out a checklist, but by working through some pretty heavy questions and with very wise counsel.”15Chuck DeGroat, “Identity, Abuse, and Cruciformity: Does ‘Being Like Jesus’ Mean Staying with an Abuser?,” May 25, 2005. https://chuckdegroat.net/2009/05/25/identity-abuse-and-cruciformity -does-being-like-jesus-mean -staying-with-an-abuser/. 

Abuse of any kind—emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, economic—is evil and wrong. Pastors and counselors must be unequivocal in condemning such behavior as it is entirely opposed to the sacrificial love of our Savior. Counseling those in abusive relationships is one of the most difficult situations we encounter in counseling, and it requires a pastoral counselor to marshal all the resources at their disposal to bring help, hope, and healing to bear. May God equip us well for this task.

Taken from Counsel for Couples: A Biblical and Practical Guide for Marriage Counseling (pp. 179-183, 186) by Jonathan Holmes. Copyright © 2019 by Zondervan. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com. 

  • 1
    Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp, How People Change (Greensboro, NC: New Growth, 2008), 98. 
  • 2
    Cf. Abigail and Nabal in 1 Samuel 25:3, 17, 24–25, 38 and the Israelites in Jeremiah 50:33–34. 
  • 3
    Cf. Psalm 5, 7, 10, 55–57, 140. 
  • 4
    Edward T. Welch, “Living with an Angry Husband,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 24, no. 4 (2006): 47. 
  • 5
    The level of competency needed to address issues like domestic violence and abuse are most likely beyond the scope of the average pastor. That does not mean the pastor is absolved of responsibility, but in instances of abuse, pastors should probably help develop a network of care, accountability, and counsel. 
  • 6
    Winston Smith, “When NOT to Do Marriage Counseling,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 27, no. 1 (2013): 73–74. 
  • 7
    One of the dynamics that can lead to outbreaks of domestic violence in marriages is an upside-down view of complementarian headship, i.e., that the husband is the head of the wife. A husband can wield such authority in an ungodly way. Jason Meyer states, “Hyper-headship is a satanic distortion of male leadership, but it can fly under the radar of discernment because it is disguised as strong male leadership. Make no mistake—it is harsh, oppressive, and controlling. In other words, hyper-headship becomes a breeding ground for domestic abuse.” Jason Meyer, “Hyper-Headship and the Scandal of Domestic Abuse in the Church,” April 28, 2015. The Gospel Coalition: https://blogs.thegospelcoalition.org/justintaylor/2015/04/28/ hyper-headship-and-the-scandal-of-domestic-abuse-in-the-church/. Another dynamic that can lead to women being called to submit to such abusive headship is a high view of marriage that leads to a “marriages must be saved at all costs” mentality. Both must be balanced by a biblical understanding of Scripture. 
  • 8
    Brad Hambrick has a helpful post on the triage of complex counseling cases: http://bradhambrick. com/triage2/. 
  • 9
    Holcomb and Holcomb, Is It My Fault?, 57–58. 
  • 10
    Darby Strickland, “Counseling in the Brambles: How to Help Oppressive Marriages,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 30, no. 3 (2016): 37. 
  • 11
    For additional reading on the topic of divorce in abusive marriages, I would recommend Jim Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers, 259–65; and David Instone- Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities, 93–106. The scope of this chapter does not allow for questions related to the biblical arguments for/against divorce/separation in cases of abuse. 
  • 12
    The Holcombs have a list of questions in their book Is It My Fault? on pages 32–35. Leslie Vernick has a downloadable survey you can use at her website: http://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/Relationship -test .pdf. 
  • 13
    Edward T. Welch, “Living with an Angry Husband,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 24, no. 4 (2006): 48. 
  • 14
    Holcomb and Holcomb, Is It My Fault?, 64. 
  • 15
    Chuck DeGroat, “Identity, Abuse, and Cruciformity: Does ‘Being Like Jesus’ Mean Staying with an Abuser?,” May 25, 2005. https://chuckdegroat.net/2009/05/25/identity-abuse-and-cruciformity -does-being-like-jesus-mean -staying-with-an-abuser/.

5 principles for relationships in a contentious society
By / Jul 28

I’ve been in the business of helping save marriages for nearly seven years now and in the business of keeping families together much longer. The amount of similarities between the families I work with and our current cultural climate is striking. We are all seeking to navigate these choppy waters, and some of us are drowning in the process. 

In reality, there’s not much difference between a bickering and resentful family and a bickering and resentful society. In fact, you would have to work hard to convince me the two are not a byproduct of one another. We’re living in a time promulgated with self-derived truth. We find our version of events, enter into the fray, and are unwilling to yield and unable to find solutions. American families have been brutalizing one another in this way for the last 50 years due to dramatic cultural shifts in family philosophy and belief systems. So, it is no surprise to me this chaos has poured onto our streets.  

It is why you’ve heard it said the art of compromise has been lost on our society. There are days this certainly feels the case. But hope is not lost. It cannot be. The alternative is too grim. How we handle the contentious conversations of our day has an immediate impact on our culture in the present, not some distant day in the future. We can no longer kick the can down the road on our relationships in this American family.

I took it upon myself to think through the images and clichés I often use in couples therapy—the things I find myself saying from memory again and again that resonate with the families I work with. My hope is that you can take these principles and work toward compromise in your homes and spheres of influence. The time to act is now. Step out and have meaningful conversations with your neighbors. Show your support for the people who make up our nation by being kind wherever you are. Put others first above your own needs, and never cease to advocate for truth and justice above all things.  And seek to apply these ideas along the way in order to live at peace with those around you.

5 ways to approach tough relationships

You can both be right. There are times in life when we should stand our ground in the face of injustice and evil. Murder, rape, and other criminal activities are just a few examples. When it comes to these things, we should never compromise, never back down, and seek swift and righteous justice. But in most conflict situations, there is a lot of room for compromise. Believing there is some validity to what the other person is saying is a good first step. You may not agree with all of what they are saying, and you may completely disagree with their emotional reactions. However, people can almost always find common ground. 

And it always starts with seeing how the other side could be right. Because when you can see the shoreline from the other person’s point of view, you can begin to swim in that direction. When you can accept this, tension is relieved from the pressure cooker, and the two sides can begin to converse. The trick is talking in the right way. The communication of compromise is hard to do, especially when you’re used to fighting for your side.   

Make “the thing” the thing. This is conflict resolution 101. When I was in seminary there was a fun saying all the preaching students would recite: “A mist in the pulpit is a fog in the pews.” This goes for conflict as well. It’s impossible to see the shoreline if there’s fog in the air. The antidote is clear communication, which leads to clear understanding. Understanding leads to empathy. Empathy leads to compromise. But if two people are talking about two related but different topics, the communication breaks down at the “understanding” phase. 

I can’t tell you how many people are such bad communicators that they’re actually fighting over two completely different topics most of the time. This is why you have to make sure the thing you’re fighting about is actually the same thing. If not, we get mixed up, confusion reigns, we don’t listen, and we become defensive. Our current cultural climate is a perfect example of this. There’s a lot of talk going on and a lot of emotionally charged ideas and opinions with layers of variations. That’s because problems are never just one thing; they are complex. Thankfully, solutions are often simple, though not painless (more on this later).

So what’s the key to knowing when you’re not talking about the same thing? When your conversation goes round and round, and both sides end up repeating the same thing while just varying the terminology. The reason people repeat the same thing over and over is because they feel like they’re not being heard. If the conversation is cycling into oblivion, you have two options: the person you’re speaking with does not understand, or the person you’re speaking with does understand but does not care. 

More often than not, if it’s a legitimate relationship (basically anything outside of Facebook, Twitter, or social media), the person you’re speaking with does care. This means you have to pause the conversation and move into what I call reflection mode. Reflection mode is a simplified version of the speaker/listener technique, where one person repeats back what they hear the speaker saying until the speaker agrees that the listener comprehends what they’re saying. So, if my friend says, “I like cats.” I say, “What I hear you saying is you like cats, is that right?” They say, “Yes.” If I say, “What I hear you saying is you like rats, is that correct?” They say “No. I said cats not rats.” The conversation remains emotionally low, and we keep going in an attempt to understand whoever is speaking in that moment.  

Work to understand, instead of working to be right.  What happens when the speaker responds, “I said cats not rats, you piece of trash. You’re so dumb”? Remember when I said it’s possible the person you’re talking to doesn’t care? If compromise is going to happen, you have to work to understand instead of working to be right. Things get volatile really quick when you have a person who only cares about being right. And that’s when you need to start looking for the nearest exit. Don’t feel bad about leaving. Express your concern and love for the people, your passion for the topic, and then politely excuse yourself.

We currently have a number of differing worldviews waging war in the hearts and minds of American society. Diversity of thought is a good thing, but you have to be open to other people’s experiences and feelings about an issue in order to understand one another. That’s how civilized conversations work. Discounting your spouse’s experiences will only lead to further frustration. Shaming your neighbor for speaking his or her mind about a topic will not win them over to seeing things from your point of view. In fact, it is guaranteed to escalate the conversation to a bad place. So if you find yourself using manipulative words or shouting another person down, go ahead and quit. Because even if you get the other person to be quiet, you most certainly have not won over their heart or mind.

Living justly leads to making sacrifices. Fairness and justice are not synonymous. Life is not fair, and no one should ever expect it to be. Before I was married my grandmother doled out some serious wisdom. She said, “There’s no such thing as 50/50 in marriage. Just focus on giving it your 100, and the rest will come together.” She was right. I’ve tried my best to give my marriage 100%. And I’d say it’s paid off really well. Furthermore, I’ve worked hard to not concern myself with what I’m doing versus what my wife is doing or not doing. This really makes a difference. Saying something is not fair is not grounds for compromise; it’s the foundation for entitlement.

Justice, on the other hand, is something completely different. And unfortunately, it is often deferred. It should make us sick when this happens. Despite this, we should never stop living righteous lives in the face of injustice. And we should never cease to implement justice when we have the ability.

So let me bring these two together for you. Because life is not fair, and because justice must be done, sacrifices will have to be made. Adequate solutions are never pain-free. The path to healing and living together under one roof will come at a cost. There is no other option. You will have to die to yourself on multiple occasions. You will have to give ground in exchange for peace and harmony. This is how marriages work. This is how families find peace.

One last piece of this “just sacrifice” puzzle is important for you to understand. You cannot find peace with a person who is not willing to live justly. You cannot burn down the house in order to save the family. I would never advise a friend or a family member to make a deal with the devil. And neither should you.

Don’t give up. All is not lost. Hope is still the best medicine. Your marriage is not over. Our society can move forward. There are greater days ahead if we want them. Show me a man without hope, and I’ll show you a man without a future. And as Christians, we of all people have the greatest reason to persevere in the midst of difficulty because we have a living hope (1 Pet. 1:3). 

Don’t allow the news cycle to tank your aspirations. Step out of your home and build relationships. Step out from behind your keyboard. Ask people how they’re doing. Go out of your way to acknowledge someone while you’re walking through the grocery store or standing in the checkout line. Live a righteous life, and look for the best in others. But don’t just stop there; work for the best of others. If we give up now, we leave a vacuum, and there is no telling what will fill it. As Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” While we’re in this contentious society, let’s affirm the dignity of everyone we encounter by showing them the same grace we’ve been shown in Christ. 

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