How the Weeping Widow brought laughter back to our home
By / Dec 14

Can we be honest and agree that after an exhausting day with toddlers, facing bath time is a true test of perseverance? By the time evening comes, the mom skills are simply depleted. A parenting hack I found useful when my girls were little was transforming into some form of alter ego. A secondary, alternative version of myself somehow ignited the energy to grind out bath time.

One of my favorite transformations was Mrs. Wishy Washy. She was the perfect combination of Mary Poppins’ magic and Mr. Banks’ crotchety disposition. Dirty children were detested by her, and she had no sympathy for filth of any kind. My wide-eyed toddlers watched as I resigned my duties and exited the bathroom, and then burst forth as Mrs. Wishy Washy. Without time to blink, my girls eyed a woman flailing a washcloth and howling that their mother had lost her plot. In constant complaint, Mrs. Wishy Washy began cleaning two toddlers and barking orders to lean left, turn right, and present their hands. Warnings against throwing a fit were common, and the girls usually remained silent. Before you could say, “Buckingham Palace,” bath time was over. Thank you, Mrs. Wishy Washy. 

The Weeping Widow brings laughter

So, it was no surprise to my girls when another alter ego, the Weeping Widow, emerged in the weeks following my husband’s death. Loss had obliterated our home and drained all joy and laughter. During that time, our church engulfed us with support. They put their love for my family into action by providing food and supplies. I didn’t have to cook for 40 days! 

It was somewhere around the 18th meal when the Weeping Widow made her debut in our home. I had just ended a call with a sweet parishioner and made the announcement to the girls that a meal was en route. Suddenly out of nowhere, the girls stood in defiance and declared that they would puke if that meal included ANY potato salad. They continued on a long rant about the amount of potato salad they had been forced to consume. I will admit, we did receive unusually large amounts of it. Nevertheless, when I saw them turn into ungrateful, Hebrew children, I transformed into the Weeping Widow.

Sporting a limp, and in my best English accent, I slid to center stage and pretended to greet the woman bringing us our sustenance. I expressed gratitude for her efforts then sternly warned her that if her meal included any potato salad, my children would throw up! I apologized for being the Weeping Widow—unable to provide proper meals—then demanded that our kind friend turn around and get us fast food. After all, preventing a vomiting incident was the ultimate goal. 

A few silent seconds exposed their thankless attitudes, and after our eyes locked, we all began to laugh. The laughter stood out against the backdrop of grief. I was suddenly aware of the lack of laughter that had crept into our home. You will be glad to know that when the sweet lady arrived, she handed us a delightful casserole with no potato salad. We sighed in relief and laughed some more. That day, I became quite fond of the Weeping Widow alter ego. She brought laughter back to our broken hearts. 

I’ve been walking through grief with God and the Weeping Widow beside me for two years now. Grief in God’s hands leads to holiness and purpose. I now realize God has entrusted me with the Weeping Widow for good works and laughter that he planned in advance. 

James 1:27 in the ESV Bible says, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this, to visit the orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” The word “visit” means to inspect, observe, or relieve. I believe God gave me the title of Weeping Widow to be on mission—a divine design enabling me to minister to women who have suffered loss and bring relief to them. 

What title has been given to you that enables you to be on mission? Don’t hate or resist suffering, but allow God to use it for his mission! Think and pray about how you can use it this holiday season and throughout a new year. And I encourage you to enjoy a belly laugh or two while doing it!

The hardship, humility, and reward of motherhood
By / May 6

Many women dream of being mothers. And if God grants that gift, whether biologically or through adoption, they quickly discover that while it is full of joy, it is also full of hardship. It’s a call to lay down your life over and over again. That’s why only the Lord can fuel and sustain moms as they care for little lives and cultivate little hearts. Kristen Wetherell knows this truth and encourages weary moms in her new book, Humble Moms: How the Work of Christ Sustains the Work of Motherhood. Below, she answers questions about burnout, mom guilt, and the satisfaction of Christ. 

Elizabeth Bristow: You recently wrote a book on motherhood called Humble Moms. With Mother’s Day approaching, give our readers a brief synopsis of the book and the message you hope to convey.

Kristen Wetherell: Humble Moms is a journey through John’s Gospel, looking at the humble heart and work of Jesus, and how he lives to serve his people (moms included). It is not a parenting book or a list of to-dos, but biblical meditations on God’s Son, who humbly serves us moms not only in hand, but in heart. My hope is to give hard-working and weary moms a deep breath and a chance to rest as they gaze at Christ and his sustaining work on their behalf. 

EB: According to a 2020 survey of 3,169 respondents, 41% of moms are feeling burnout frequently and 51% of working moms said they feel burnout frequently or always. Why do you think this is, and what can we do to reverse this statistic? 

KW: Three factors come to mind: the heart, the work, and the culture. First, by nature, our hearts want to be like God: without limits and everywhere, always. As moms, this desire can tend to burn us out as we seek to be everything to everyone, which is impossible for us. Second, the work of motherhood is hard. Period. It is a sacrificial job that often requires us to lay down our desires, plans, and preferences for our kids. Every type of work has been affected by the fall into sin, and that includes motherhood (so you’re not crazy, mom, for thinking it is hard!). Thirdly, I think moms are burnt out because our lives and faithfulness is no longer private, but on display for the world to see and critique through social media and the internet. We’re so busy looking side-to-side, comparing ourselves with others, that the possibilities feel overwhelming and the sense of failure, crushing. We need our eyes fixed on Someone better.

EB: What advice would you give to the mom who feels exhausted from taking care of her family?

KW: Ask for help. You are not God, and you were never meant to be. You have permission to be human (whew!): to need to stop and sleep, to need some helping hands, to need a Savior and Lord who is perfectly able to do everything you can’t. So, ask for help: first, from the Lord. He loves it when you come to him; that is why he came to you in the first place, to rescue you and carry you. He delights to serve you.

Then, if you are married, ask for help from your husband. Most of us don’t receive help from our hubbies because we don’t ask for it, and they can’t read our minds! Ask for help from friends, especially sisters in Christ from your local church, both peers and older women. God’s church is his body, his hands and feet doing his work in the world, so let others be his presence to you. They will be blessed in return.

You weren’t meant to do this motherhood thing alone; let God and his people serve you. As my senior pastor has said, “Jesus has more to give you than you have yet to receive” (John 10:10). 

EB: We live in a culture that rewards us to hustle, be more, and achieve more. In your book, you write that “hustle doesn’t necessarily equal faithfulness.” How do you challenge moms to allow themselves permission to rest?

KW: We need to know that hustle doesn’t necessarily equal faithfulness, that at the end of the day, what matters is that we are faithful to Christ. Jesus said to his disciples in John 12:26, “If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” The culture bids us to hustle — to accomplish more and become more and earn more — in order to be great moms; but Christ bids us to become less, to become servants, and rest in him. 

And how do we do that? By trusting that he is enough on our behalf, that he accomplished all we never could through his perfect obedience to the Father, and that our calling as moms is to follow him out of gratitude and love for him, by the power he supplies. I love what Pastor Bryan Chappell says: “We strive best when we are most rested.”

Think about how Jesus rested in his Father. Even when he was hours away from an excruciating death, he was at rest because he knew who he belonged to and where he was headed (John 13:3). Similarly, when we moms know we belong to Christ, that he is with us, and that we are headed into a glorious future with him (and all because of his grace), we are compelled to work for him from a heart of humility and gratitude. Our rest in Christ motivates and empowers our work for Christ.

It is this humble posture of service that made (and makes) Jesus great. And so, it is a humble posture of service before Jesus that makes a mom great. This is our great challenge: to rest ourselves on him.

EB: In our culture, social media often inflicts “mom guilt” and self comparison. What advice do you give to the mom who might be struggling with inadequacy? 

KW: Three pieces of advice: One, your intention to serve your kids well and do right by them means that you love them. And that is a very good, God-given calling. You can praise him for that, and keep loving your kids. 

Two, you need to know that you are inadequate, and that acknowledgment brings freedom, if we let it. You were never meant to be God! Only he is and has everything your kids need. So when you mess up and sin against your kids (and the Lord), let your guilt drive you to the throne of grace. When you can’t discern between true guilt and false guilt, ask God to search and know your heart, and know he is greater; he has covered and overcome your guilt at the cross. When you are reminded you are limited and inadequate, let that lead you to worship the One who isn’t and let it rest you in Christ’s perfectly adequate, righteous record, which has become yours by faith. 

Third, take a break from social media. Clear your mind, and release your heart from it. This has been one of the most helpful things for me.

EB: Talk about your own experience as a mother of two kids. How do you ground yourself in truth when you feel weary from motherhood? How has Christ sustained you on the hard days?

KW: Jesus says that we do not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God (Matt. 4:4). So when I am weary and discouraged, I need my faith in Christ strengthened; I need sustenance for my soul. So I turn to my Bible where Jesus reminds me of who he is and what he’s accomplished on my behalf. That’s the first thing I do to survive, before the day even begins.

Once the day gets going and the needs start rolling in — once my lower back starts hurting and the kids start crying all at once and there isn’t enough of me to go around — I need to rely on God’s moment-by-moment grace to sustain me. I don’t look too far ahead (I can’t, or I’ll crumble), and I take a deep breath. Sometimes I cry, knowing Jesus cares for me and feels compassion for me, that he knows what it is to be weak. I pick up my phone and text some friends for prayer — and I am reminded that Jesus is also praying for me right now in heaven. That gives me strength.

And honestly, some days I collapse onto the couch at night not even sure how I got through, and feeling discouraged that I didn’t consciously think about God that day. But I know God thought about me, cared for me, and carried me. I know he is actively serving and loving me, remaining faithful, even when I am faithless. Humble and needy is the best place we can be as moms. 

EB: What encouragement can you give to expectant moms who feel overwhelmed and unprepared to step into motherhood?

KW: I thought about that mom the whole time I was writing this book! I have been that mom, and whew!, how I needed a book that would give me permission to stop and rest. I have certainly been blessed and helped by motherhood books, but most of them made me feel more tired. They somehow added to my already-full plate and depleted body. I desperately wanted to write a book that would invite an expectant or new mom to rest in Christ, to enjoy him, to worship, and to wonder freshly at his heart and work on their behalf. 

EB: Many women struggle with infertility and long to experience the gift of motherhood. What encouragement would you give to a woman who is longing and expectant?

KW: Oh, I have been there. I would say, let your longing drive you to two things: expectant prayer to the Lord, and submissive waiting on him. We can do both. We can lament and live in the tension between assurance of God’s goodness and the unknown future. Use the Psalms to help you pray and wait well. They have been wonderful friends to me in times of sadness and uncertainty.

EB: How can we have a healthy view of our identity as mothers? How can we avoid wrapping our whole identity in that role?  

KW: We need our minds aligned with God’s and what he says about us, so I would encourage every mom to make it her holy habit to steep her mind and heart in Scripture, which is the very mind of God. Commit yourself to a local church, where you are able to serve in various ways and see yourself as a member of the body of Christ. Another reason we struggle with identity as moms is because the culture degrades and devalues that role, thinking it beneath other ambitions, so it feels natural to want to cast it off. But motherhood is a very Christlike calling. It is a privilege and a joy to be a mom, but our identity is ultimately in Christ. 

EB: How can we show honor to moms as a church?

KW: Pray for us. Acknowledge our work. Come alongside us, building us up in the faith (through faithful preaching, small groups, Bible studies, and women’s and children’s ministries). Reach out to a mom you know personally, and offer to help her in a practical way (or take her kids!). Tell us we are doing a hard thing, and that we’re doing it well. All of these things are honoring both to us and to Jesus.

3 encouragements for women on Mother’s Day
By / May 4

Mother’s Day is two days away, and I wonder how many women are dreading it. On a day set aside to honor the invaluable work only women are able to fulfill, many are left feeling tender and disappointed, wishing we could skip the day altogether and get on with Monday. For women with and without children, Mother’s Day evokes a host of emotions as it exposes dreams, longings, fears, and hurts in an especially poignant way.   

Is the pain of this day redeemable?

The truth is, the role of “mother” is important and worth honoring. The mothers who bore us, raised us, and sacrificed for us should be acknowledged, thanked, and loved. But it is all too easy for us as women to slip into a blinding self-focus on Mother’s Day. For those in the trenches of mothering, the desire to be acknowledged (or just to be given a break, for goodness sake!) can grow too big, leading to anger and frustration when expectations are not met. For those longing for marriage and family, struggling with infertility, grieving the loss of a child or mother, or praying for the return of a wayward child, the hurt may feel insurmountable. Sometimes, this leads to feelings of self-pity or despair. 

Is the pain of this day redeemable? For women who are in Christ the Redeemer, we answer with a resounding “Yes!” Here are three truths to help us lift our gaze and live with gospel-shaped hope on Mother’s Day. 

Joy and pain are realities for all.

On Mother’s Day especially, it’s easy for women to feel alone in their pain and struggles. All of us can easily fall prey to the lie that no one is hurting as deeply as we are, and this makes our own pain feel magnified. But, in a fallen world, pain is a reality that goes hand-in-hand with joy. Every woman, regardless of her circumstances, experiences some mixture of the two, and it isn’t necessary or wise to try to compare levels.

The woman longing to conceive a child sees pictures on social media of smiling mothers with their arms full of (what appear to be) smiling, well-behaved children, and she believes that woman’s life is all joy. But pictures never tell the whole story. The exhausted mother of four, struggling through what feels like monotonous work in the home, sees the childless woman with (what appears to be) a fulfilling career, and she covets the freedom and professional success that woman has. But she too isn’t privy to the the whole story. 

Pain is real for all, but for those in Christ, we know it isn’t the end of our story. “Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5). The gospel gives us hope on Mother’s Day by reminding us that. . .

Motherhood is bigger than us.

Whether a woman has biological children or not, she must remember that God’s purposes for motherhood are bigger than her. While children certainly bring joy (and pain), they are blessings to steward for a purpose greater than a mother’s personal happiness. God created mothers and motherhood so that his image and glory might be multiplied across the face of the earth (Genesis 1:28). And when his image was marred by sin, God allowed motherhood to continue so that he might send a Redeemer, both human and divine, to bring salvation to the world: “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons” (Galatians 4:4-5). 

“Mother” is a role, not an identity. As Christian women, we are made in the image of God and created anew in Christ Jesus for the purpose of good works. Christ is our defining identity (Ephesians 2:10). For some, the good works prepared for us by God include raising up physical children in our homes. For all of us, these good works include raising up spiritual children (disciples) within the local church. When we remember that motherhood is bigger than us, we can rejoice on Mother’s Day in spite of our circumstances. We can shift our gaze upward, giving thanks to God for using a mother to bring the Savior of mankind into this world.

Christ redeems all things.

Around this time last year, I drove past a church sign that said, “Join us Sunday as we celebrate mothers!” I cringed inwardly as I imagined  this might cause hurting women to shy away. While the Church may honor mothers, we celebrate so much more!  We celebrate a risen Christ, who is redeeming every ounce of pain his children experience both for his glory and our good. We celebrate a Savior who is making all things new. No woman should avoid this celebration on Mother’s Day Sunday. 

One way Christ has already redeemed the pain of motherhood is by expanding its definition and purpose. In her book (A)Typical Woman, Abigail Dodds says, “You may have been denied biological children, but there is no childlessness in the new covenant. You have been given children beyond counting in Christ to love, nurture, and disciple, as Paul and Jesus did.” In Christ, motherhood goes far beyond bearing and raising biological children.

Although this truth doesn’t negate all the pain women feel regarding issues of motherhood, we have the blessed promise that God is working our pain for good as he uses it to make us like Christ (Romans 8:28-29). And we have the sure hope that this pain is not forever. A day is coming when tears, death, mourning, crying, and pain will be no more (Revelation 21:4). 

So, on Sunday let’s take time to honor our own mothers, both those who raised us and those who have discipled us in the faith. Let’s lift our gaze from ourselves to Christ, worshiping him and trusting him to carry us through our pain and redeem all our unmet expectations and longings. And let’s bless the Lord for the gift of motherhood and his good purposes in it. He alone is worthy!

This article was originally published here.

How the overwhelmed mom can start to reduce stress
By / Nov 22

Due to the pandemic, more emphasis has been placed on mental health. Stress, anxiety, and depression are at the forefront of discussions. However, mothers have suffered from stress long before COVID-19 hit. Careers, parental responsibilities, household chores, and guilt — especially during the holidays — can leave moms feeling burned out. Outside factors (i.e., societal upheaval, finances, etc.) only add to stressful feelings.

As a mom, stress can negatively influence the parent-child relationship. Chronically stressed mothers are more likely to be emotionally unavailable for their children and have a higher risk of developing mental health issues. Dealing with chronic stress can free moms to better handle the big emotions of their children and the day-to-day struggles of life.

Signs of stress

Though we hear a lot about stress, many of us don’t talk about it or understand its effects. What is stress? Stress can be defined as our body’s response to pressure that causes feelings of physical or emotional tension. When we initially encounter a danger or threat, our bodies react with a flight-or-fight response, known as acute stress, causing our nervous system to pump adrenaline into our bodies. If the threat or stress doesn’t subside, our body releases stress hormones. The result of these physiological responses includes: a faster pulse, an increase in blood pressure, changes in airways, extra oxygen to the brain, heightened senses, and changes in blood vessels. These responses are beneficial during times of danger.1Bruce S. McEwen (2007) Physiology and Neurobiology of Stress and Adaptation: Central Role of the Brain. Physiological Reviews, 87 (3), 873-904.

After the stressful event ends, the parasympathetic nervous system will then “reset” the body, stopping the rush of hormones. Problems with stress typically arrive when stress doesn’t cease and our bodies continue to pump stress hormones into our bodies. Acute stress becomes chronic stress.2Sharma DK (2018) Physiology of Stress and its Management. Journal of Medicine Study and Research, 1 (1).

How do you know if you are experiencing chronic stress? Chances are you “feel” stressed, but here are some warning signs:

  • Physical: Chest pain, headaches, GI issues, fatigue, high blood pressure, heart issues, weakened immune system
  • Behavioral: Sleep disturbances, irrational fears, anxiety attacks
  • Cognitive: Rumination, difficulty concentrating
  • Emotional: Irritability, crying, angry, bitterness, mood disorders
  • Relational: Blame shifting, short-fused
  • Spiritual: Disconnected, unrepentant sin, anger toward God, complacency

9 stress-reduction tips

If you can identify with the warning signs, you may be living in a state of chronic stress. So, what can you do about it? You can start by acknowledging two facts: 

  • All stress won’t fully cease to exist on this side of eternity. Stress is a natural consequence of the fall (Genesis 3). Original sin brought the commencement of brokenness into the world, and brokenness causes stress. 
  • God designed us with limitations, and those limitations are for our good. Operating within God’s boundaries can help reduce stress.

With those two things in mind, I want to share a few tips to improve stress levels and live within God’s limitations. It may not be possible to accomplish every suggestion all at once, so start small. Pick one or two stress-reducing items, and do those consistently. You can build upon your progress over time by adding other stress relievers. 

Life-enhancing tasks: God has given us a brain to acquire knowledge. Learning a new skill helps stockpile cognitive reserves. Improvement in cognitive functioning provides a greater ability to deal with stress. For overwhelmed mothers with little free time, try to eliminate a life-draining item first (i.e., social media), and replace it with a life-enhancing task (i.e., educational audiobook).

Thinking patterns: A mother’s perception of her parental role and responsibilities plays a key factor in stress levels. Do you view motherhood as a God-given role or a burden? Believing motherhood is unimportant creates feelings of being trapped, which is stressful. Any thought regarding motherhood as insignificant needs to be taken captive, as it goes against God’s Word (1 Cor. 10:5) and harms the parent-child relationship. Thought logs and journals can help uncover negative thinking patterns or lies that trap us, while memorizing Scripture gives truth to combat negative thinking.

Physical activities: God created our bodies to depend upon certain physical activities. Those activities, as repeatedly shown in clinical research, also help reduce stress. Here are some of them:

  • Exercise: Our bodies were made for movement. Things like exercise lead to anti-inflammatory responses, better physical health, improved memory, increased attention, and overall better brain functioning. Do you have trouble exercising because you are always with children? Put them in a stroller or have them ride their bikes, and get moving with them!3Jackson, EM.(2013) Stress Relief: The Role of Exercise in Stress Management. ACSM’s Journal of Health and Fitness. 17 (3). 14-19
  • Sleep: Sleeping the recommended amount can be tough, especially for moms whose children don’t sleep through the night. However, it isn’t just moms with little kids who are sleep deprived. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), approximately 1 in 3 adults do not obtain the recommended amount of sleep, which is 7–9 hours. Sleep deprivation can contribute to weight gain, irritability, lack of concentration, fatigue, and health issues, all of which exacerbate stress. To get better sleep, try committing to an appropriate bedtime and nighttime routine, eliminating electronics an hour before bed, and consulting with your doctor if you struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep. And don’t forget to take naps.4https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/sleep&sa=D&source=docs&ust=1637336158909000&usg=AOvVaw2jSfg81f3A9rSXyFa7cCQz
  • Healthy eating: Our bodies need certain nutrients to thrive and feel good. A poor diet can lead to vitamin deficiency, creating a whole host of negative physical and emotional side effects. Eating healthy can reduce health issues, which in turn, reduces stress. 

Rest: Research suggests relaxation and meditation are two avenues to counteract stress. As Christians, we know God has called us to rest (Sabbath), pray, and meditate specifically on his Word. God even modeled the Sabbath for us when he created the world. It’s okay, even commanded, to rest from our to-do lists.

Community: Throughout Genesis we see all the good things God made, until his statement in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for man to be alone.” God created us for relationships. In fact, our brains are hardwired to need others.5Siegel, D., & Bryson, T. (2012) The Whole Brain Child. Bantam Book. Find other Christians to connect with so you can “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2 NIV). 

Enjoyment: God wants us to enjoy good things. He made the sunset beautiful, food delicious, and friendship necessary — for his glory and our pleasure. Pleasurable activities like vacations, date nights, and coffee with friends are all good things and can help reduce stress. The caution lies in making good things into idols. Moderation and right perception about pleasurable activities are key. 

Ask for help: Acknowledging that we do not encompass every spiritual gift or every skill frees us to ask others for help. Partnering with others reflects God’s beautiful design of diversity and gives others opportunities to utilize their God-given gifts. Trying to do everything independently creates stress, and can be a form of pride, so ask others for help.

Flexibility: Chaos feels hectic and stressful. Why? We were created in God’s image, and he is not chaotic (1 Cor. 14:33 NIV). To help reduce chaos and stress, create a flexible schedule for you and your family.

Finances: Failing to use our finances wisely is a major source of stress. God gives us principles in Scripture that help us steward what he’s given us for his glory. Obeying God’s Word and putting money in its proper place reduces stress. How we use our resources will look different from person to person, but there is no doubt that Christians are not to be slaves to money. The Money Challenge by Art Rainer, and Redeeming Money by Paul David Tripp are two recommended reads for financial management.

Motherhood is a profound, but sometimes stressful, God-given role. He will give you what you need to care for your children. And remember, even amongst the stress, God is using motherhood to sanctify you and your children to look more like Christ.

For more information from Dr. Sarah Rainer on “The Overwhelmed Mom,” check out The Mom Village Podcasts: part 1 and part 2.

  • 1
    Bruce S. McEwen (2007) Physiology and Neurobiology of Stress and Adaptation: Central Role of the Brain. Physiological Reviews, 87 (3), 873-904.
  • 2
    Sharma DK (2018) Physiology of Stress and its Management. Journal of Medicine Study and Research, 1 (1).
  • 3
    Jackson, EM.(2013) Stress Relief: The Role of Exercise in Stress Management. ACSM’s Journal of Health and Fitness. 17 (3). 14-19
  • 4
    https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/sleep&sa=D&source=docs&ust=1637336158909000&usg=AOvVaw2jSfg81f3A9rSXyFa7cCQz
  • 5
    Siegel, D., & Bryson, T. (2012) The Whole Brain Child. Bantam Book.

The privilege of walking with a birth mother through an unplanned pregnancy
By / Apr 15

Editor’s note: Because we care about championing the dignity of every individual’s life, from womb to tomb, we wanted to highlight the beauty of adoption. As you read this testimony, we pray you are gripped with compassion for every baby, mother, father, family, and pregnancy resource volunteer involved in the journey of an unplanned pregnancy. This story was given to us from Lifeline Christian Services, who is doing amazing work in the adoption space. 

When I think about the job I get to do as a pregnancy counselor, the word that comes to mind is “sacred.” Walking with a woman through pregnancy, birth, and adoption is full of a range of emotions and challenges, but mostly it is a privilege. 

For the past six months, I have worked with a birth mother named Becca. She found herself in an unplanned pregnancy, and her world flipped upside down. In desperation, she considered abortion but knew that was not the Lord’s will for her baby’s life. She reached out to Lifeline Children’s Services in May and decided to make an adoption plan for her precious baby boy. 

As I got to know Becca, I learned that her heart for the Lord was so evident in her life. She was walking through the darkest of valleys in many ways, but chose to trust the Lord and seek healing in every way she knew how. Becca faced shame, anger, abandonment, and grief, yet she could say, “I would rather walk through the pain with the Lord than make a decision not in my son’s best interest.” 

As her pregnancy counselor, I became a safe place for Becca to process her decision and feelings. I also learned a lot about God through Becca. Tears come to my eyes thinking about the way the Lord intertwined our lives and draws us to himself. Not only did Becca point me to the Lord, but she made me laugh uncontrollably and taught me more about the world.

Becca’s beautiful baby boy was born on a rainy day in late September, and in that moment, God brought an abundance of redemption into Becca’s life. Instead of feeling shame and anger, she felt a love and peace that she could not put into words. 

While at the hospital, we giggled and cried and dreamed for her son’s life. She chose to move forward with the adoption plan and, after her legal withdrawal time ended, she sent me a message saying, “Praise the Lord who has given me strength.” 

Every birth mother is incredible, but Becca has been someone special to me. Being her pregnancy counselor has been humbling, life-giving, and such an honor. I look forward to witnessing, in the years to come, how the Lord works in Becca’s life. 

Our Father proved faithful again, making what seemed hopeless, redeemed. What a privilege to be able to walk with her and allow the Lord to use me in her life and her in mine.

The real Proverbs 31 mom
By / Jun 10

She was a new member of the church and asked me how she could get more involved. I mentioned several things including women’s ministry and when I did her countenance changed and she said, “I just cannot take another Proverbs 31 study!”

Why did she feel that way? I think it’s because we have often treated Proverbs 31 like a gospel-less job description but that is not how it functions at all in the book of Proverbs. In the book of Proverbs, wisdom is personified and folly is personified as well. They are voices calling out, competing voices, voices that echo all the way back to the Garden of Eden. In the garden God spoke to his image bearers but a competing voice spoke as well and said, “Did God actually say?” (Gen. 3:1). After Adam and Eve listened and obeyed the serpentine voice of folly, God spoke good news to them; he promised that there would be a seed born of woman would crush the head of the serpent.

Throughout redemptive history God continues to speak wisdom and the serpent continues to speak folly. In 1 Corinthians 1 and 2, the apostle Paul contrasts what he refers to as “the word of the cross” (1 Cor. 1:18), which is “the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:20-21, 24, 30, 2:5, 7) and the “the wisdom of the world” which is folly (1 Cor. 1:20-21, 1 Cor. 3:19). Paul explains, “Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God” and “Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God” (1 Cor. 1:24b, 30b). In Colossians, Paul asserts he wants the church to know, “the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Col. 2:2b-3). Jesus is the good news and Jesus is our wisdom.

The most important thing

The most important and fundamental thing about the Proverbs 31 woman is explained at the end of the chapter, “she fears the Lord” (Prov. 31:30). Proverbs tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom (Prov. 1:7, 9:10, 15:33). This fear is a sense of awe and wonder, it is the fear of faith. Psalm 130:3-4 explains, “If you, Lord, kept a record of sin, then who could stand? But there is forgiveness that you may be feared.” The real Proverbs 31 mom does not read the description of “an excellent wife” (Prov. 31:10) as a performance list to earn God’s favor. She is not building a spiritual resume to be proud of because her only hope is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is no good news or wisdom apart from Jesus.

If Proverbs 31:10-31 is not a list to evaluate your performance or to cultivate a spiritual resume then what should we learn from it?

A Proverbs 31 mom seeks wisdom not wishing

Notice that the Proverbs 31 woman is busy living the life she has in the fear of the Lord, which is in light of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She is not sitting around wishing she had someone else’s life. The list of activities the text describes her being involved in is very mundane. It is a list of daily, ordinary things that she does for her husband (31:11-12), household (31:13-19, 27-29) and community (31:20-26). If we were to translate the descriptions in contemporary language it would sound something like this:

  • Cooking
  • Cleaning
  • Making, repairing, or buying clothes
  • Buying groceries
  • Bargain shopping
  • Gardening
  • Working in the home
  • Working outside the home
  • Laundry
  • Helping neighbors
  • Helping needy people
  • Speaking well of her husband
  • Making phone calls
  • Checking on others
  • Reminding, supporting, and encouraging her husband
  • Reminding, supporting, and encouraging her kids
  • Teaching her children
  • Teaching her children the Bible and the gospel
  • Teaching practical theology
  • Praying
  • Praying for others
  • Up early and late feeding infants
  • Staying up with sick kids
  • Potty training
  • Comforting frightened children

This is not a performance checklist of all the things a wife and mother ought to be doing. Rather, it is a representative list, a reminder that this ordinary and mundane list of routine and daily activities can and should be done in “the fear of the Lord.” In other words, a wise woman is one who lives the life she has, surrendered to Jesus by faith instead of wishing she had a different life. This is also true for women suffering through the pain of infertility, miscarriage and single-parenthood. It is not about living an ideal life but living the life you have in the fear of the Lord.

The real Proverbs 31 mom remembers that Jesus’s life appeared to be ordinary and tragic by outward appearance: born in a stable, from a nowhere town like Nazareth, blue-collar parents, rejected by the religious establishment, a low-income itinerant teacher, with a band ignoble followers, crucified as a common criminal. There is glory in the ordinary in Christ.

A Proverbs 31 mom seeks purpose not perfection

One of the interesting things about Proverbs 31:10-31 is that it is an acrostic poem in which the successive verses began with the consecutive letter of the Hebrew alphabet and that it is permeated by language that has military overtones. The word “excellent” (Prov. 31:10) refers to strength, power and nobility. The language is often associated with a military warrior celebrating a victory and similar language appears throughout the poem. The word appears again at the end of the poem bracketing the entire discussion with military language (Prov. 31:29). Fearing the Lord in the daily, mundane and ordinary things listed is the Proverb 31 women’s battle. She believes there is sovereign gospel purpose in all of her daily service.

The purpose of the list is not to overwhelm women by calling them to perfectly live out this list. That would be anti-gospel. This is not a job description to use for evaluating yourself daily. You do not measure up to and do everything on this list. You need Jesus. He alone is all-sufficient. But the list does teach you that in Christ all of these activities have purpose. Too often the problems moms have is thinking that the mundane things on this list keep them from spiritually growing. Moms often think: If I could just spend two hours a day reading my Bible distraction free in my favorite chair then I could grow spiritually and really make a difference.

I once heard a pastor say, “Ministry would be great if it wasn’t for having to deal with all these church members!” I was thinking if it were not for all of those church members you would not have a ministry. The very thing he was complaining about hindering his ministry was what constituted his ministry. God has never promised any of us distraction-free spirituality—especially moms. Instead of wanting to get away from daily tasks to focus on the gospel, wisdom liberates us to see gospel purpose in all we do.

A Proverbs 31 mom seeks gospel not glamour

Moms are on the front lines of living out the implications of the gospel in the daily and ordinary routine of life. Most of us do not have too many mountaintop moments in our lives. Our spiritual battles rarely take place on platforms with thousands watching. Most often, they take place in kitchens, backyards and office cubicles. Most of us will be role players in our lives, not superstars. Mothers model for their children how to live the 98 percent of our lives to the glory of God. This is indispensable gospel ministry to children. Moms who fear the Lord train children to live with gospel joy and intentionality while performing countless tasks for which no one applauds.

One of the best theologians I know is multi-vocational. She is involved in meal services, interior decorating, supervision, custodial work, mechanical work, nursing, conflict resolution, interpersonal relations management, money management, continuing education, career planning, counseling and is on the clock in these locations 24 hours a day. While at the same time teaching theology and the gospel on all cognitive levels of difficulty and allowing endless follow-up questions of “Why?” Her vocation to me, and our 8 children, is not glamorous but it is strategic for the sake of the gospel in the Kingdom of Christ. Many women have done excellently, but to me, Judi surpasses them all (Prov. 31:29).

It is a tragic when a woman has the opportunity to be involved in what is satisfying and eternal and spends her time despising it and wishing for what is superficial and deceptive. This is the nature of the warning in Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

The anti-Proverbs 31 mom is not one who is aware of her own inadequacy, struggling with kids, time management and household management, not knowing how she’s going get everything done. The anti-Proverbs 31 mom is the one who looks at the list in Proverbs 31:10-31, abstracted from the gospel, and sees a performance check list to prove her superiority as a wife and mother.

It is also the woman who defines her significance based on the world standards. She may be busy performing her role as a wife and mother but she internally despises it, thinking this kind of ordinary, mundane stuff can’t have any real purpose. She spends her life thinking, “If only . . .” Her daily wishing spiritualizes her daily purposelessness and allows her to fantasize about the gospel difference and influence she could make, if only she was less busy and had a more glamorous platform.

It is the same logic that hissed in the Garden of Eden, “Did God actually say?” (Gen. 3:1), if only you would take and eat your “eyes will be opened” (Gen 3:5) and then your life will be significant. Competent super moms serve the purposes of the evil one just as readily as incompetent ones as long as they do not fear the Lord.

But the mom who fears the Lord, believing there is gospel purpose in all she does, who looks to Christ in her daily struggles and her readily apparent inadequacies, is an effective gospel warrior, rightly praised in the Kingdom of Christ.

This was originally published here.