How parents can talk with their teenagers about anxiety
By / Nov 9

Anxiety is widespread among teenagers. If you lined up 100 teenagers between the ages of 13 to 18, you could expect approximately every third teenager (31%) to experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their teen years. And almost every 10th teenager (8.5%) would experience anxiety that causes severe impairment.[i] As the parent of an anxious teen, you may feel a sense of fear, uncertainty, or powerlessness. How can you help? What if you can’t help? How severe is your child’s anxiety? At what point should you consider counseling? 

Perhaps you even feel a sense of frustration. Wouldn’t your child feel less anxious if he would listen to you and and stay off his phone? Or maybe you have stepped into “fix-it mode,” searching for causes and next steps to take. You want your child to find relief, so your natural tendency may be to brainstorm solutions and offer suggestions of what you think will help. While suggestions can be helpful, oftentimes the best place to start is by having an open and ongoing conversation with your teen about their experience. Here are some questions to help you begin.

Questions to get the conversation started

What is anxiety like for you? Many teenagers don’t realize when they are anxious. Their back tension, racing thoughts, counting rituals, insomnia, nervous energy, or other anxiety symptoms feel normal because these experiences are the only thing they know. Teenagers often need help verbalizing their anxiety symptoms so they can begin to recognize when they are anxious. Ask specific questions to help them gain awareness. What does anxiety feel like for them? What thoughts race through their minds? Where do they notice anxiety symptoms in their bodies? 

What seems to trigger your anxiety? Teenagers also often need help connecting their anxiety to specific situations in their life. Is the tension in their shoulders related to homework? Do the racing thoughts occur when they spend too much time on the phone? Does the anxiety tend to happen at a certain time of day, in a specific location, or around particular people? Ask questions to help your child begin to make these connections. 

When is the first time you remember feeling anxious? You can also investigate when the anxiety first started and what was happening in your child’s life at the time. The onset of anxiety can often be traced back to distressing events such as a parent’s divorce, an experience of bullying, or the death of a family member. The impact of events such as these can linger for many years. Sometimes, present symptoms of anxiety can be resolved when teenagers have the chance to process past distressing experiences.   

How do you think your habit of _______ impacts your anxiety? Many teenagers have bad habits that make their anxiety worse. Don’t we all? Parents often recognize that their teenagers would feel better if they would go to bed at a more reasonable time, stay more active, spend less time on the phone, or stop other stress-inducing habits. But how can you help teenagers make important changes if they bristle the moment these topics are mentioned? While you may need to enforce rules surrounding certain problem areas, it’s often best to start by helping teenagers assess their habits for themselves. 

Teenagers need to begin taking ownership of how some habits such as isolating, talking to certain friends, overusing social media, or binge-watching TV impact their anxiety. Help them investigate areas such as these by framing your concerns as questions, instead of statements or lectures. For example, how does it affect them when they spend the afternoon on TikTok? If they notice that it negatively affects their anxiety, what do they want to do about this?

Are there any calming activities you would like to use as an alternative to habits you realize may be problematic? Small changes such as getting outside for regular walks, taking five minutes a day to breathe deeply, or taking breaks from homework can make a difference. Talk about some possible changes, but don’t send them off to implement these practices alone. Go with them. Go on that walk together. Breathe deeply together. Stay off social media together. Go out of your way to communicate that you are on their side and in this struggle with them.  

How does your relationship with God help you when you feel anxious? And if it doesn’t seem to help, how are you making sense of that? The way we frame conversations about anxiety and faith with teenagers is important. Teenagers are often black-and-white thinkers. They sometimes misinterpret our encouragements to “bring their anxiety to God” as pressure to simply pray harder and read their Bibles more. They can then feel guilty, confused, or angry when they do these things and still feel anxious. 

Instead of asking a teenager “are you praying?” or “are you reading your Bible?”, we need to make the connection between anxiety and faith more compelling. More invitational. More honest about the mysterious ways God does and doesn’t work through Scripture and prayer. Less focused on hints of legalism and more focused on the relationship we can experience with the Lord. 

God does not stand over us and demand that we pray more and read our Bibles more when we are afraid. Rather, we get to go to him for help. We get to be completely honest with him about our experience. How can you help your teenager grasp this comfort? This is an opportunity to share your own experience of how you go to the Lord when you feel afraid.  

Do you want to try counseling? Some teenagers fight the idea of counseling. Other teenagers want counseling but hesitate to ask for it because they have real or imagined fears about how a parent may respond. It’s worth initiating the conversation to see if counseling has crossed their mind. If they do desire counseling, always honor this request. 

Is there anything that I am doing or anything that is happening in our home that makes you feel more anxious? This is a difficult question to ask, but I encourage you to go here. You may or may not agree with what your teenager says, but either way you will gain valuable information. It’s important to assess how the atmosphere of your whole household affects your teenager’s anxiety. Children are like sponges, absorbing their parent’s energy and emotions. This is especially true of young children, but we can’t ignore how teenagers also soak up the emotions of adults. When a parent feels anxious, angry, stressed, or worried, a teenager picks up these feelings. When a parent feels calm, a teenager absorbs this sense of peace. 

So when you notice anxiety in your teenager, it’s always an invitation to consider your own inner life. If you find anxiety, fear, worry, or stress within yourself, it’s likely affecting your teenager as well. 

However, before you discuss with your teenager the questions listed above, consider answering them for yourself. Do you know when you are stressed or anxious? Are you using the habits you encourage your teenager to use? Sometimes helping your anxious teenager begins with addressing your own inner struggle. 

Exploring your own anxiety should not lead to discouragement or self-criticism, though. We all feel anxious at times. Rather, beginning with yourself may be a needed invitation. God has given you an opportunity to slow down and nurture your own anxious heart. As you do so, you will become more equipped to understand and help the anxious teenager in your care. 

[i] https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/any-anxiety-disorder

How to exercise parental rights in a pro-LGBTQ culture
By / Oct 10

For the last couple of years, the volume has increased over concerns related to parental rights, especially at public schools. What focused for a time as concerns over in-person education and the use of masks during the pandemic has quickly returned to concerns over matters of sexuality and gender. In the wake of these concerns, Florida and Alabama have passed bills limiting discussions of gender identity and sexuality in classrooms with young children. At the same time, some school districts appear to be attempting to hide possible gender identity transitions from parents.

What are we to do as Christians, and especially Christian parents, as we navigate the world of parental rights in a pro-LGBTQ culture? How do we speak truth into the school systems in our communities and effect change where it is needed?

Let’s begin with a few affirmations.

Affirmations about God’s design for sexuality

God created humans male and female. Genesis 1:26-27 functions as God’s opening statement regarding anthropology. While the focus is often (rightly) placed on the fact that humans are made in God’s image, the second statement of that passage is sometimes overlooked. At the end of v. 27 we read, “He created them male and female.” These words in the opening chapter of the Bible are now considered controversial, but they are not unclear. In an age where distinctions between male and female are blurred, we find the clear testimony of Scripture to be that God created male and female as distinct expressions of humanity.

God created males and females as complementary in nature. Complementarity between male and female is a multifaceted concept, but I want to focus on just one aspect here—sexual complementarity. God designed male and female to be a complementary pair sexually. This idea first appears in Scripture in Genesis 1:28 where we read, “God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth. . . .’” With this pronouncement following on the heels of the declaration that God created humans as male and female, we rightly surmise that the process through which mankind would be fruitful and multiply was the sexual relationship that God designed to take place between a man and a woman in the context of marriage (see Genesis 2).

God created the human body as part of his good creation. On five different occasions in Genesis 1, we see that God declared his creation to be good, culminating with the words in verse 31, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good indeed.” As part of the discussion revolving around gender identity, we sometimes hear the discussion turn to demeaning the body and elevating the mind so that the body must be changed. But we cannot forget that the physical body is part of God’s good creation.

With these theological affirmations in place, how do we engage our schools on matters of sexuality and protect parental rights in the process?

How to equip your children and engage with your school

Teach your children the truth of God’s Word on matters of sexuality. Conversations with our children about sexuality can be awkward—let’s just admit it. But we can’t allow the awkwardness of the conversation to prevent us from having them. We have found, especially with our older children, that they are confronted with unbiblical models of gender and sexuality on a regular basis at school. Thus, it is crucial that they have been taught a biblical model and home and church. We need to teach them how to engage in conversations at school so they can speak knowledgably and are able to communicate with their parents when something different is being taught or promoted at school.

Be an involved parent. We cannot clamor for protecting parental rights in the schools if we are not involved in the life of the school. Volunteer in the classroom. Serve on a committee. Provide support for teachers and staff. Go to school board meetings. By getting involved, we build relationships. Most changes that we want to see come to fruition are best accomplished on the basis of a relationship with a teacher, principal, or school board member. If we are not involved, we will generally not be heard.

Vote in local elections. We tend to get excited about national elections with potential far-reaching ramifications, but most of the politics that affect our daily lives happen on the local level. High profile school board elections in districts that have already experienced controversy make the national news, but the controversial policies enacted in those districts most likely came as a result of years of inattention to local politics by the average citizen. We need to get out and vote in these local elections, and some of us may even need to run for office.

Promote biblical convictions for sexuality and gender. The biblical vision for gender and sexuality—gender identity that corresponds to biological sex and sexual expression through the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman—was not controversial just 15-20 years ago. The culture is not so far gone that we cannot restore this vision through faithful teaching and living. Our promotion of biblical convictions begins in our homes and then extends into our communities.

Protecting parental rights in a pro-LGBTQ culture begins by exercising those rights. When the world says our vision for sexuality and gender is out of date or harmful, we demonstrate it through our lives and proclaim it unashamedly.

How to teach our kids faithfulness in today’s culture
By / Sep 14

“Lord, please protect my children.” From the earliest days of parenting, Christian moms and dads have prayed these words a thousand times—I know I have—prayers for safety through the night, protection at school, and preservation from harm and evil. As a parent in the 21st century, these words are never far from our lips and hearts—and for good reason. Recent statistics have raised the alarm. A 2019 survey by Lifeway said that two-thirds of “American young adults who attended a Protestant church regularly for at least a year as a teenager say they also dropped out for at least a year between the ages of 18 and 22.” More teens are not only walking out of church, but are walking away from the Bible’s teaching about gender and sexuality. The currents of today’s culture seem to be more treacherous than ever before.

Yet these dark waters are nothing new. In the New Testament, Jesus prayed for the safeguarding of his own in the world. He said, “I am not praying that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one” (John 17:15, CSB). And in the Old Testament, Psalm 78—that justly famous chapter on the next generation—also sounds the alarm over two perilous currents that endanger God’s children. In its 72 verses, Asaph unfolds a cautionary tale in two acts.

Act 1: Psalm 78:9-39 highlights the bad example of the Ephraimites—one of the tribes of Israel. In the day of battle, Ephraimite archers, armed with bows, turned back (Ps. 78:9-10). And this was not a neutral battlefield decision made in the fog of war. This was retreat.

Act 2: Psalm 78:40-66 tells another tale of failure. When the generation whom God had rescued out of the greenhouse of Egypt, encountered an idolatrous culture, they embraced it. “They enraged [God] with their high places and provoked his jealousy with their carved images” (Ps. 78:58). This isn’t retreat. This is surrender.

Constant threats

Together these two cautionary tales are a matched set. They offer side-by-side contrasts of the two undercurrents that threatened God’s people. Both accounts deliberately use the word “bow” (as in bow and arrow) to describe the problem (78:9 & 78:57, the only occurrences in this chapter). The Ephraimites carried bows but did not use them. The Exodus generation were like bows that did not work. Both verses also use the same Hebrew word, which means “twisted” (hphk), a word used only one other time (78:44). The Ephraimites “turned back,” while the Exodus generation “turned away” (twisted) like a warped bow.

The Ephraimites turned from risk in order to save their lives. This is running away out of fear of something bad. In contrast, the Exodus generation turned to idolatry to meet their needs. This is blending in out of hope for something better. And aren’t these the two missteps of every generation?

On the one hand, we are tempted to flee from the enemy—just like the Ephraimites. We are tempted to run from the threats and dangers of our day, of our culture. And on the other hand, we are also tempted to embrace the enemy—just like the Exodus generation. We are tempted to assimilate with the opportunities and benefits of our day, of our culture.

Yet as Jesus prayed, every generation must remain “in the world,” yet they are not “of the world” (John 17:14-15). But, with the riptides of withdrawal on the one hand and capitulation on the other, how do we as parents steer a course between these two perennial threats? 

A countercultural people

Psalm 78’s answer might surprise you. The root problem with both the Ephraimite’s retreat and the Exodus generation’s surrender is the same. In their present moment, they had forgotten the works of God in the past. So Asaph, the author of this psalm, rehearses what each group should have remembered.

Act 1: When the Ephraimite archers went out to battle, they should’ve recalled how God had previously provided for them. They should’ve recalled his provision in opening the Red Sea (78:13), in leading them through the wilderness by day and night (78:14), in giving water in the desert (78:15-16), and in sending bread from heaven and meat to eat (78:17-28). In spite of all this, the Ephraimites did not trust God’s ability to provide (78:17-22; 32-33; 37). Yet God, showing compassion, continued to provide for his people (78:38-39).

Act 2: Similarly, Asaph recounts the works of the Lord which the Exodus generation should have remembered. God sent plagues on Egypt and all their false gods (78:42-51). God delivered his people, but swallowed up their enemy at the Red Sea (78:52-53). He brought his people into the land, but drove out the nations before them and gave their land to his own people (78:54-55). In sum, God wielded supernatural power to deliver his people and defeat their enemies.

Both groups failed because they forgot what the Lord had done. The Ephraimites gave up because they didn’t remember how God had provided what they needed, and the Exodus generation gave in because they didn’t remember how God had defeated their enemies. 

But isn’t that counter-intuitive? It’s not what I would have written. 

A counterintuitive counterculture

On the one hand, if I had sketched out the history lesson for the Ephraimites, who fled from battle, I’d have wanted them to remember that God is a warrior who defeats his enemies. But Asaph puts this truth with the other bad example. 

And, on the other hand, if I were summoning the Exodus generation to remember what God had done, I might say: Don’t look to idols to provide what you need—because God has always provided for you. 

But that is not what Asaph says. Instead, he says, when you face the enemy, remember how God has provided. And when you’re tempted to idolatry, remember how God has triumphed over his enemies.

This is counterintuitive. And this is wisdom. Because, if we face hostility under the banner—“God will defeat you”—we might be overly optimistic of what God will do through us. We’d be tempted to relate to the culture in pride and combativeness: “We will crush you people.” Instead, we can face cultural opposition calmly knowing that “God will provide.” 

Or if we face the promises of idolatry, armed only with—“God will meet my needs”—then we might be overly pessimistic about what God can do around us. We’d be tempted to relate to the culture in fear and doubt: “Is this really the right and better way for everyone?” Instead, we should face the lure of idolatry confidently knowing that our God has routed any supposed rivals and is infinitely superior to them all.

Bringing it home

We must protect ourselves and our children against the lure of an idolatrous culture that is increasingly hostile toward Christianity in a demonstrable way. We must not retreat. We must not give up out of fear of something bad. But we must stand with the calm assurance that no matter what happens, our God will provide. 

Whether we lose the culture war, whether we are marginalized and canceled, whether we are slandered as bigots and hate-mongers, whether they take away our constitutional liberties—despite all these things, our God will still provide.

And we must not surrender. We must not give in out of hope for something better. But we must resist the little compromises, the tiny bargains, the costly silences in confidence that we know how this story will end. We humbly know that it is not the world nor us who sits on the throne of this world, “and though this world with devils filled should threaten to undo us, we will not fear for God has willed his truth to triumph through us.”

Recalling this balance—that God will provide and deliver—will help us and the next generation to engage our culture without wavering, and without fear. 

The importance of protecting your children from internet pornography
By / Aug 17

You walk into your 11-year-old son’s bedroom. His back is to you. Over his shoulder, you can see that on his phone he is watching a pornographic video clip that contains violence. How you react then may well have a significant impact on the rest of his life. Will you yell, ignore it, freak out? The best thing you can do as a parent is have a calm conversation with him about it, based on the facts of what pornography does to him, and to others. Are you ready for that conversation? If you are not sure you are ready for that conversation, then I have written a book with you in mind.

Why I wrote a book about pornography

Not long ago, the harmful nature of pornography struck me in the face and shocked my conscience. While researching ways to prevent sexual violence on college campuses, I was struck by how the pornography industry undermined my work without mercy. I wrote Protecting Your Children from Internet Pornography: Understanding the Science, Risks, and Ways to Protect Your Kids with the intent of shocking your conscience as well. Like all parents, I know you want what’s best for your kids. And in this day and age, it isn’t always easy to know what’s best. Even if you have strong opinions on what might be harmful to your children, protecting them can feel unrealistic or even impossible. But we must do our best to help our kids navigate a world where people seek to turn a profit by turning sex and sexual violence into a product and selling it to our kids. I’m here to help you understand the many ways that porn can hurt your kids and what you can do about it.

Porn is violent

In the past few decades, the violence that kids (and others) have been exposed to in pornography has grown from occurring in a small niche market, to being more common, to being in almost every scene1A. J. Bridges et al., “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update,” Violence against Women 16 (2010): 1065–85. and image.2J. Peter and P. M. Valkenburg, “Adolescents’ Use of Sexually Explicit Internet Material and Sexual Uncertainty: The Role of Involvement and Gender,” Communication Monographs 77 (2010): 357–75, https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2010.498791. Pornography scholar Megan Tyler notes that the early 1990s brought in a new level of violence into mainstream pornography. In the late 1990s, violence increased further. Most recently, acts so violent in pornography that they lead women to vomit are mainstream.3Meagan Tyler, “Now, That’s Pornography!,” in Everyday Pornography, ed. Karen Boyle (New York: Routledge, 2010). Scenes degrading women by showing men’s bodily fluids on their face are now commonplace on the internet.4S. Gorman, E. Monk-Turner, J. Fish, “Free Adult Internet Websites: How Prevalent Are Degrading Acts?,” Gender Issues 27, no. 3 (2010): 131–45. Though some pornographers, and those who support them, occasionally play down the violence in pornography, scholars who study pornography note that men in the industry celebrate the fact that their work is abusive.5Meagan Tyler, “Now, That’s Pornography!,” in Everyday Pornography, ed. Karen Boyle (New York: Routledge, 2010).

One of the most important things about pornography that we need to understand as parents is the way that it objectifies the people in porn, particularly the women. At some point in your life, you have probably heard the phrase “pornography objectifies women.” Essentially what this means is that pornography turns a human being into an object to be acted upon, without agency, and without humanity. Objectification in pornography isn’t just a philosophical statement; it is fact supported by strong evidence. Research has shown that the more pornography men use, the more they see women as objects, not as people.6R. C. Seabrook, L. M. Ward, and S. Giaccardi, “Less than Human? Media Use, Objectification of Women, and Men’s Acceptance of Sexual Aggression,” Psychology of Violence 9, no. 5 (2019): 536–45, http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/vio0000198. And given the content of pornography, it is no wonder that men see women in it as objects. 

A 2020 study of internet video clips found that 45% of scenes in online pornography include at least one act of physical aggression. Spanking, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, and choking are the five most common forms of physical aggression.7Niki Fritz et al., “A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 49 (2020): https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0. Furthermore, in pornography with aggression, women are the target in 97% of the scenes, and the response that they have been told to have during the aggression, while they were being filmed, is almost always either neutral or positive. Men were the perpetrators of aggression against women in 76% of scenes.8Ibid. Thus, pornography teaches viewers that women like to be hit during intimate activity, sending the message that men’s violence against women is acceptable. This is a message that we obviously don’t want being sent to, or believed by, our children.

Why do you need to know about pornography if you don’t already? For too long, people have thought of pornography use as a private issue that wasn’t anyone else’s business. In fact, pornography is harmful to those who make it and to those who use it, and in turn, harmful to sexual partners or victims who may be hurt by the mistaken point of view that women like to be objects of violence. 

Practical suggestions

If you were to find your 11-year-old son looking at pornography, my advice as a father and as someone who has studied pornography for many years is to build on the relationship you have built with your son and have a calm conversation with him about it. Discuss how it is natural for him to be drawn to these images, but these pictures are harmful to his development as a person. The following questions can be a helpful guide in such conversations with your children.

Children who are 8–12 years old 

  1. If someone showed you a picture of people who didn’t have their clothes on, what do you think you would do?
  2. Do you think it is okay to watch videos where people have no clothes on?
  3. If you are over at a friend’s house and they told you they wanted to show you something cool but that you can’t tell your parents, what would you say?

Children who are 13–17 years old 

  1. When your friends hand you their iPhones or iPads, what kinds of things do they show you?
  2. In the past, what have you done when a friend of yours handed you a smartphone and it had pictures of people who didn’t have clothes on? 
  3. How did looking at the pictures make you feel inside?
  4. Were any of the images you’ve seen in pornography violent?
  5. What do you think the makers of pornography want you to think when they show violent content in their video clips?
  6. If you based your views on what sex should be like on the pornography you have seen, what do you think the consequences of that decision would be?

The sad reality is that in our day and age many of our children will most likely be exposed to pornography at some point in time. But the good news is that we can do things today that will equip them to flee that temptation. The power of God’s Word—filled with the truth that God made us in his image and bestowed value upon us, calls us to respect and care for those around us, and has a plan and design for our sexuality—is stronger than the schemes of the enemy. We can pray and trust that the Lord will use our efforts to help our children see pornography for tje evil that it is and see God’s way as best.

***

The following is an adapted version of Chapter 1 from the book “Protecting Your Children from Internet Pornography: Understanding the Science, Risks, and Ways to Protect Your Kids” by John D. Foubert, Ph.D. (Northfield). 

  • 1
    A. J. Bridges et al., “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update,” Violence against Women 16 (2010): 1065–85.
  • 2
    J. Peter and P. M. Valkenburg, “Adolescents’ Use of Sexually Explicit Internet Material and Sexual Uncertainty: The Role of Involvement and Gender,” Communication Monographs 77 (2010): 357–75, https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2010.498791.
  • 3
    Meagan Tyler, “Now, That’s Pornography!,” in Everyday Pornography, ed. Karen Boyle (New York: Routledge, 2010).
  • 4
    S. Gorman, E. Monk-Turner, J. Fish, “Free Adult Internet Websites: How Prevalent Are Degrading Acts?,” Gender Issues 27, no. 3 (2010): 131–45.
  • 5
    Meagan Tyler, “Now, That’s Pornography!,” in Everyday Pornography, ed. Karen Boyle (New York: Routledge, 2010).
  • 6
    R. C. Seabrook, L. M. Ward, and S. Giaccardi, “Less than Human? Media Use, Objectification of Women, and Men’s Acceptance of Sexual Aggression,” Psychology of Violence 9, no. 5 (2019): 536–45, http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/vio0000198.
  • 7
    Niki Fritz et al., “A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 49 (2020): https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0.
  • 8
    Ibid.

3 takeaways from a recent survey of adoptive parents
By / Aug 16

Adoption is a concept deeply enmeshed in the Christian worldview, and the good news of the gospel is at its center. Christians believe that upon receiving Christ through faith, we are then adopted into the family of God by the Father. One of the outworkings of our being adopted by God is that we are often called to “go and do likewise,” demonstrating the kindness we’ve received from God to children who need a family, both here and abroad. In the United States, “practicing Christians are more than twice as likely to adopt than the general population.” And yet, according to a recently published survey, there is still a great deal of work left to do.

The National Council for Adoption (NCFA) recently released what they’ve called “the largest survey ever conducted on adoptive parents.” The survey “provides useful data to [people] interested in adoption,” and it aims to “equip adoption professionals, adoptive families, and prospective adoptive parents with information to help them in their role as part of the larger adoption community”—it is part one of a three-part study called “Profiles in Adoption.” And while there are many findings from the survey we could highlight, we will underscore three takeaways here below. 

Three takeaways from the NCFA survey

In an article summarizing the survey’s findings, the NCFA headlined their impression of the results this way: “Adoption really has changed, a lot.” And, as the report shows, they’re right; over the last 20 years adoption has changed dramatically. Along with those changes (some of which will be reflected below), there are also significant challenges with adoption, like its cost and the length of the adoption process. These challenges make adoption difficult for prospective adoptive parents and difficult on prospective adoptive children. Here are three takeaways from the survey. 

1. Adopting children with special needs.

Children with special needs are often the target of mistreatment even before they leave the womb. In the context of adoption, children with special needs—from those in the foster care system to those in other countries—regularly find themselves awaiting forever families for long periods of time. As of early 2021, there were an estimated “134,000 children with special needs awaiting permanent homes” in the United States, according to the National Adoption Center. And while, domestically, only about 13% of adoptions involve children with special needs, a number that is virtually unchanged since prior to 2010, the percentage of intercountry adoptions of children with special needs has risen exponentially over the last 20 years. “Intercountry special needs adoptions” stood at a mere 7.3% in 2000. In 2020, 61% of intercountry adoptions involved children with special needs (a number that has actually decreased from its high in 2018 of 79%). 

When mothers who are in unplanned pregnancies, carrying a child with special needs, choose to carry that child to term and place him or her for adoption, Christians ought to be among the first who’ll volunteer to give them a permanent home. Let’s pray that the 134,000 children with special needs awaiting homes in this country will soon find loving, forever families. And let’s rejoice that children with special needs from other countries are being given the chance to grow up in permanent homes. 

2. Cost of adoption.

According to the survey, the cost of a private domestic adoption has nearly doubled over the last 20 years, rising from an average of $17,017.96 to $33,141.83 in 2020. Likewise, intercountry adoptions in the same span of time have risen in cost from an average of $22,245.67 to $36,776.21. Unsurprisingly, data shows that because of these prohibitively high costs adoption is a near-unrealistic option for many families that desire to grow their family by adopting children who are awaiting homes. The overwhelming majority of families that secured either a private domestic adoption (72.4%) or an intercountry adoption (62.4%) earn in excess of $75,000-$150,000 annually. “More than half of families adopting privately or internationally viewed the cost of the adoption process as a barrier, even after completing the process.”

If Christians hope to prevail in our work of providing stable, loving homes for children who need them through the process of adoption, then it seems that the financial cost is something that must be addressed. Policy makers should think creatively on ways to address this staggeringly high barrier for families that wish to adopt children in desperate need of homes.

3. Length of the adoption process

On average, the length of time the intercountry adoption process took for survey respondents was a little more than 22 months—almost two years. Other organizations estimate the process takes as long as five years, depending, in large part, on the country the child is being adopted from. As for the process of adopting a child in foster care, the length of time varies based on one’s family structure. The process tends to move quickest for married couples (335 days, on average), followed by single females (373.6 days), unmarried couples (376.3 days), and single men (429.8 days). The process of adoption, whether domestic, intercountry, or from the foster system, is an investment not only of money but of time as well. 

Adoption, the heart of God, and the heart of his people

The motivations for adopting a child are wide-ranging, spanning (on this survey) from infertility to adopting a family member to a religious calling, all of which are good and honorable. For God, his motivation is singular, and clearly stated in the book of Ephesians: he adopts us because he loves us (Eph. 1:5). And “because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Rom. 5:5), we ought to be driven to the ministry of adoption by this same love.

As long as children are in need of permanent homes and loving families, the people of God are called to care about adoption no matter the barriers, whether the financial cost or the process length or the challenges we’ll inevitably face in adding to our families. While the NCFA survey equips families with the information they need to determine what part they’ll play in the adoption community, it also reminds us that there’s work yet to be done. As the people of God continue our work in adoption ministry, tools like the NCFA’s Profiles in Adoption study can be just the boon we need. May we use all the resources at our disposal to carry out this ministry that is so near to the heart of our Father.

The NCFA survey is part one of a three-part study called “Profiles in Adoption.” Parts two and three will focus on the “experiences and characteristics of birthmothers” and the “lived experiences of adopted individuals,” respectively, and will be published at a later date.

8 ways to help your child with new school year jitters
By / Aug 8

A new school year brings an array of feelings for kids returning to the school building. While some kids look with excitement toward a new year, others kids may feel nervous or anxious. There are a variety of reasons that kids may be hesitant to return to school; bullying, school shootings, learning disabilities, negative school experiences, being a new student, or simply fear of missing mom and dad. For these reasons and others, the start of school may weigh heavy on your child. What can parents do to help their children reduce school nerves? Here are a few pointers: 

1. Have appropriate expectations.

Parents may find themselves feeling frustrated when their child is anxious. Why? Because anxious kids often think illogically and have meltdowns or negative behaviors. Parents must recognize and prepare themselves for their child’s first day of school. Expect that your child may cry, whine, or not be as happy and easy going when he feels nervous. Expect that it may take a couple days or weeks for your child to feel comfortable in the new school year. Anxious feelings don’t always pass quickly. Understanding your child’s behavior can help reduce a parent’s own frustration.

2. Identify and discuss feelings.

One simple action for parents is to help their children identify and learn about feelings. Help your child identify a feeling by giving them the language for how they feel (i.e., angry, frustrated, mad), and help them describe what they are experiencing (i.e., being nervous feels like my tummy has butterflies). Talk about feelings and provide examples of times that you, as the parent, have felt the same way. 

Another great way to help kids identify feelings and problem solve is through reading age-appropriate books. Utilize books that discuss feelings or place characters in situations that provoke similar feelings that your child is experiencing. As you read, ask questions such as, “How do you think that person feels?” “What could the person do in that situation?” “What would you do in that situation?” or “Tell me a time that you have felt that same way.” It’s easier for kids to talk about tough feelings when 1) There are elements of play involved (i.e., reading), 2) When they are talking about the feelings of someone else, and 3) When there is ample time to process their thoughts.

Here are a few book suggestions for preschool and elementary school kids that will help them express how they feel:

  • Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes
  • Zoe’s Hiding Place by David Powlison
  • Everyone Feels Anxious at Times by Dr. Daniela Owen
  • What Am I Feeling? By Dr. Josh Straub
  • What Do I Do With Worry? by Dr. Josh Straub

3. Make a worry list.

Ask your child to identify her worries. Also ask if you can write them down. Listen as your child speaks. Once the list is completed, you and your child can tackle one worry at a time. Stick with open-ended questions, like “Tell me about a time when you were worried about this,” and, “Help me understand what happens right before and after you have that worry.” Lastly, discuss with your child the likelihood of those events occurring, and have your child problem solve what she can do if that situation occurs. These actions help your child feel understood, while also helping your child recognize her ability to handle these tough situations and worries.

4. Prepare for the first day.

Help your child reduce her worries by talking about the first day and by planning ahead.  Preparing ahead of time can help reduce nerves or stress associated with the morning routine. Make sure your child goes to bed on time, eats a healthy breakfast, and lays out his school items and outfit the night before. Anxious feelings can also arise when a child doesn’t know what to expect. Eliminate some of those feelings by detailing the first day of school so your child knows what to expect: Start with waking up, the car ride there, the school schedule, pickup times, and what he can look forward to after the school day ends. Providing predictability can reduce anxious feelings.

5. Practice coping skills. 

When kids feel anxious or stressed, they can retreat into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Their behavior looks defiant when it is actually a reaction to being scared. Talk openly with your child about their reactions and healthy coping skills. Practice deep breathing, journaling, looking around for a favorite color, reciting Bible verses, or any other helpful coping strategies. Have your child practice the skills in preparation for moments she will need them. 

6. Use examples from Scripture.

Scripture is packed with examples of anxiety-provoking situations, fearful individuals, and a faithful God that provides for his people. Utilize biblical examples to point your kids to God’s faithfulness, provision, and grace. Some of my favorite stories include: Peter walking on water, Jesus’ disciples hiding after the crucifixion, Moses not wanting to go to Pharaoh, and Joseph in prison.

7. Memorize Scripture.

There are over 360 verses in Scripture that deal with anxiety or fear. Help your child memorize some of the verses, so he can recall them during times of worry. Remembering Scripture also helps your child fight worried thoughts with truth. I would encourage you to do this yourself so that you can quote the verses together in preparation for the school day. Model this priority in your own life, and share with your children when you have quoted these affirmations to yourself in times of anxiety.

8. Pray. 

Utilize the opportunity to teach your child about praying for their worries. Kids’s prayers can sometimes sound rehearsed or repetitive, and that’s OK. But praying in the midst of a struggle can help them talk to God more candidly. Pray with your children, and pray for your children.

While most children experience jitters on the first day of school, other kids experience more than that. They experience anxiety.  If your child’s anxiety is negatively impacting his life, don’t hesitate to seek help from a qualified counselor. God has gifted some believers in the body of Christ to counsel others. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of wisdom. Not sure where to start? Often insurance plans cover some mental health benefits, so check with your plan. I would also recommend these sites: 

As you navigate school worries with your children, remember God himself is available to and present with your children, and he has given them you to support and encourage them. Don’t negate the special role you play in helping your children in the midst of their struggles, and ask the Lord to help you in the journey.

What school option will you choose for your child?
By / Aug 3

The countdown to a new school year has begun. Summer has flown by, as it usually does, and families everywhere are preparing to get back to the routine that the start of classes brings. But not everyone will go to the same kind of school. Many of us in our country are blessed with choices regarding how we will educate our children. And many school choices have turned upside down after COVID-19. According to the Census Bureau, during the pandemic, nearly 93% of families with school-aged children reported some level of “distance-learning” from home. This, in conjunction with a more progressive push in public education, has led Christian parents, in particular, to weigh the best options for their family. But what measure will help us determine the best school option for our children?

A rubric for families

In education, teachers use rubrics as scoring tools to measure student performance based on established criteria. Students are expected to meet certain goals in order to achieve mastery of a particular skill or standard. A score is given based on how the student met or failed to meet the expectations of the assignment. What if there was a rubric for families to use to gauge school options for their children? What standards would they use to measure those options? To design such a rubric, there are some essential questions parents should ask in order to guide their thinking.

What is the cultural climate of our school district? No two school districts are the same. Some schools are in districts that lean more progressive, while other schools are in districts that lean more conservative. This is important to understand, because many of the decisions that are made about school policy, curriculum, and instructional practice arise from the political and cultural climate of school districts. Administrators in each individual school also have choices regarding what is emphasized each year. Families must ask, “What is the climate of our school district, and can we navigate its waters as we send our children to its schools?” 

What are our current family dynamics? Family dynamics place a large role in education choice. Some parents may have the time and resources to educate their children at home. Other families see benefits from sending their kids to the local public school. Or, a family may prefer the environment and curriculum that a private education offers. The family’s schedule, taken as a whole from its various members, should also be considered. Whether it’s marital status, budget, health, or some other factor, what is feasible and preferred varies from one family to another. 

Families require flexibility as children grow and needs change. And along with that, every family is unique with various strengths and challenges. Parents will have to decide what educational option fits them best for right now considering their current family structure, demands, and resources. 

How involved are we in our local church? There is no substitute for the local church. School, travel ball, scouts, homeschool co-ops, and other subgroups should not replace the fellowship families have with other believers in their home church. Before families seek out the best schooling option for their children, they must first seek out a local church that is gospel-centered, proclaims the Word soundly and emphasizes obedience to its commands and ideally has a strong discipleship focus that applies to various ages. Find a church. Get involved by committing to weekly attendance, service, and fellowship. There is no school option that can or should replace the local church.

A simple rubric like this can assist parents as they are trying to decide what school option is best for their kids. Essentially, families should ask, “What are non-negotiables for us? What are the non-essentials? What are our goals for our children? Will this help us disciple them in that direction?” 

3 action steps

As parents evaluate the above questions, it can still be intimidating to make a choice. Here are a few action steps to help you along the way: 

Pray for wisdom. Seek the Lord’s will as parents who desire to please him with the kids he has entrusted to you. Our children belong to Jesus first and foremost. Trust him, and let him guide you as you prayerfully consider how he is guiding you. Pray for your kids before they enter school age, while they are in school, and after graduation. We are all in formation throughout our lives and need the Lord’s grace to shape and sustain us.

Get equipped. Whatever choice you make for your children’s education, continue to be involved in their learning. If you choose to homeschool, you will have a front row seat in your children’s school as both a teacher and as a parent. Look for other homeschool families to come alongside you on the journey, and find resources to support your role as a homeschool parent. If you choose to send your child to public school, ask about opportunities to volunteer,  join the school’s parent organization, or attend your school district’s committee meetings. Invite their school friends to your home and get to know their families, as well.

Get equipped in knowing your kids in whatever school context they face. Check their homework, ask about their lessons, and look for natural opportunities to extend their learning with a biblical worldview. Lastly, read or watch the news in small measures. Get informed and seek to understand the culture in which we live and in which our kids live on campus every day. Strive to eat most of your meals together around the dinner table weekly and engage your kids in thoughtful discussions asking about their day, their interests, their friends, etc. Look for ways to have conversations about current events and issues and how God’s Word addresses them. 

Keep an open-hands mentality.  I used to homeschool my oldest two kids, but now all of my kids go to the school where I teach. Even though my methods have changed as a parent, my convictions have not. My husband and I still have the same goals and aspirations now as we did when our children were younger. For now, the Lord has led our family in a different direction, and he may lead us elsewhere in the months and years to come. Be open to how the Lord may lead your family in educating your children year by year.

The fact of the matter is there is no perfect school option. Every system is broken, and until Jesus returns, no matter what educational choice we make, we will be disappointed along the way. We can have confidence that God, in his grace, will use various people and methods to accomplish his purpose for us (Acts 17:26, CSB). In wisdom, choose the option that fits you and your family best, as the Lord leads. Turn off social media and all the voices clamoring for our attention and allegiance. There is one choice to be made, really. Choose to follow and serve Christ in whatever place you find yourself. Let Deuteronomy 6:4-7 be your family decree: 

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

Keep the conversation going and the relationship with your children strong as you continually point them to Jesus. If you are homeschoolers, private schoolers, public schoolers, or somewhere in between, the most important education we can give our children is teaching them who our God is and living a life following him as our King. In the kitchen, at the ball field, during homework, in the car, or in the yard, we will teach our children to love the LORD with all that they are. There is no better choice than this.

How parents can raise their kids to live by faith
By / Jul 27

What makes a family distinctly Christian? And if you are a parent, how do you raise your kids in a way that’s truly Christian at its core? The Bible says the chief Christian difference is not political or ethical or social, though being in Christ surely guides a family in those areas. No, our foundational trait is that we live not by our strength but relying on Jesus: “The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God” (Gal. 2:20).

If morality or ideology or healthy habits made life Christian, our approach would be simple: Try hard. Think straight. Do right. But faith is an offbeat path with practices that feel unnatural: Receive from God. Trust his Word. Follow him. Rest in Jesus. Most Christian parents find it harder to lead their families in that—in faith.

Examples of faith 

More often than the Bible defines faith, it gives us examples of faith. For instance, like Jacob who wrestled with God, we should grab on and not let go until the Lord blesses us as he sees fit (Gen. 32). Like Hannah who was childless and mocked, we should pray with many tears and give our worldly hopes back to God (1 Sam. 1). Like blind Bartimaeus who was told to hush, we should cry even louder to the merciful Son of David who is our only chance (Mark 10:46-52). But my favorite faith example may be Peter.

In Matthew 14, Peter and Jesus’ other disciples were facing hard times. Their ministry colleague John the Baptist had just been murdered, and when they tried to respond by getting some rest away from the crowds, more than 5,000 people followed them. Jesus multiplied a few loaves and fish to feed that crowd, showing the compassion and provision of God despite all that had happened. But the disciples remained fixated on their worldly situation. Mark 6:52 explains, “They had not understood about the loaves.”

Jesus would teach them about faith. He sent them off in a boat without him while he went to pray. Then as they struggled on the sea, he came to them, walking on the water and speaking the best words any of us might hear: “It is I. Don’t be afraid” (Matt. 14:27). Peter answered, “If it’s you, command me to come to you on the water.” Jesus told him to come, and Peter climbed out of the boat and started walking on the water.

Life of faith

Those steps are an impressive example of faith. Faith looks beyond the dangers and troubles we can see in the world around us, believing who Jesus is. what he can do, and how he’s better in every way. We model faith each time we pray about anything. We model faith when we obey God even though the worldly consequences look stormy. We model faith when we open our Bibles daily and go weekly to worship because we know how much we need God’s Word and his people. We model faith when we live boldly for Jesus, even taking some risks, because we know he rules the world and loves us to our core. By God’s grace, kids who learn faith become both humble repenters and brave missionaries.

Failures of faith 

But Peter’s example includes another side of faith that’s even more important. When Peter saw the wind swirling around him, he became scared and started to sink. He cried out, “Lord, save me!” (v. 30). That simple prayer is the essence of Christian faith. In his dire need, Peter’s gut reaction was not to yell to his comrades in the boat but to call on the strong arm and quick compassion of Jesus.

Of course, Jesus saved Peter and brought him to the boat, showing us that faith is not just for brave achievers but also for doubters and failures. Jesus is the true hero of this story and of any walk of faith. Think about it: the moment in the story when we sense Peter is most secure is not when he’s successfully walking to Jesus alone, but after he’s failed and Jesus has had to save him, while he’s with Jesus walking back to the boat.

Whether we have failed morally, or failed to act bravely, or failed to love our kids or spouse or neighbor, modeling faith means we cry out to Jesus for help and forgiveness. It is the instinct to go to Jesus especially when we feel beaten down and unworthy. Faith means we are quicker to pray than to scold, we more readily admit sins than hide them, and we thank God for our Christian growth instead of showing it off. That will make an impression on our kids. They will learn to remain settled and joyful in Jesus even when they encounter dangers in the world and ugliness within themselves.

Steps of faith

So as a parent, what can you do to lead your family in faith?

Live close to Jesus. Faith-filled parenting comes from being a faith-practicing parent. In your personal life, give time to prayer, the Bible, and worship so that you get to know the outstretched hand of Jesus and can give control of your kids over to him. When you fail at this and are feeling far from God, go back. That’s when he’s most eager for you to come near again.

Show your kids Jesus. Make it a family habit, natural and expected, to stop and pray whenever concerns about anything come up. Read, listen, and talk about Jesus regularly and often. Also make it your role as a parent to be your household’s most visible repenter, often letting your kids see how you admit you have sinned, are saddened by it, and decide to obey God anew—in his strength and under his forgiveness. Again, you will frequently fail to create this environment and keep these habits. Those are times to beg Jesus for help, which is faith too.

Step out of the boat sometimes. Now and then as God puts needs in front of you, have your family do something for Jesus even though you feel scared or ill-equipped. As you step into your task, pray about it and recruit prayer from others, and listen to God’s Word. You might be surprised by what God does. Or maybe things will go badly and you will seem to sink, but if you do, it will be an opportunity to reach for the comforting grip of Jesus. Either way, you will learn faith.

Ultimately, we need the Spirit to fill our hearts with faith, and we need God, in his amazing grace, to give our children eyes to see it and hearts to believe it. As we stumble along in faith as parents, we can rest assured that the work needed to lead our kids in faith depends on One infinitely stronger and more faithful than we are. 

Editor’s note: Bible quotations are from the CSB.

How Jesus shapes our advocacy for children with disabilities
By / Jun 23

Helen Featherstone, in her classic work A Difference in the Family, explains that families affected by disability face all the same challenges that typical families face but with differences of degree. All families are responsible for providing for their children’s physical and mental health, emotional and spiritual well-being, education, safety, growth and enrichment, financial security, material needs, and social relationships—to name a few aspects of care. For parents of children with disabilities, the differences of degree are often significant in many, if not all, of these areas. 

The importance of advocacy for children with disabilities

Ensuring their children’s access to these things and appropriate adaptations in certain arenas often requires intensive advocacy on the part of parents of children with disabilities. Advocacy can be defined as “any action that speaks in favor of, recommends, argues for a cause, supports or defends, or pleads on behalf of others.” The need for unrelenting advocacy can be both daunting and discouraging for families affected by disability. In many cases, it continues not just through childhood but over the course of a person’s lifetime. 

One of my most memorable (but not most stellar) moments of advocacy on behalf of my son Tim—who has Down syndrome—came during his last year of high school. A group was meeting to discuss how to secure employment for Tim when he graduated. In the past, the vast majority of our meetings had been not only civil but collaborative and productive. At one point in this meeting, however, Tim’s job coach jumped out of her chair and pounded her fist on the table with the words, “It’s all about safety!” My response was as sarcastic as it was quick: “I thought it was all about getting a job while doing it as safely as possible! If it’s all about safety, why don’t we just get a cardboard box, a roll of duct tape, and a straw for air, and seal him up inside it?” As any good counselor will tell you: a sarcastic comeback is rooted in anger. 

Navigating advocacy wisely can be a “sticky wicket” for Christian parents. We serve a God of righteousness and justice who says the very foundation of his throne is built on these attributes (Ps. 89:14). At the same time, we encounter a world that too often is indifferent to righteousness or justice on behalf of people who are touched by disability. To make it even more complex, Christian parents—as fallen but redeemed persons made in the image of the Living God—do not always accurately reflect God’s character in our advocacy either. How can our redemption and our representation—by Christ our Advocate—transform the ways in which we engage others in advocating for change?

Becoming like Jesus in our advocacy 

Perhaps the most amazing gift that God gives to Christians is Jesus Christ’s role as our Advocate. By living a perfect life, dying a sacrificial death, rising in victorious power, and standing before the Father’s throne on our behalf (Heb. 9:24), Jesus is truly the Advocate above all advocates. As Norman Clayton’s old hymn “My Hope Is in the Lord” says, 

And now for me He stands
Before the Father’s throne
He shows His wounded hands
And names me as His own.

There is no greater privilege than being blessed by the advocacy of Christ through saving faith. Jesus’ advocacy has several dimensions that we too can reflect through the transforming power of his Spirit in our lives as he conforms us, more and more, to his image. 

First, Jesus’s advocacy is fueled by love. The same love that compelled Christ to redeem sinners leads him to name us as his own before the Father. True advocacy is rooted in love. That’s not hard for parents to grasp, as our love for our children motivates us as well. What is harder to grasp is that true advocacy engages all parties in loving ways. It loves the stubborn teacher. It loves the resistant administrator. It loves the condescending extracurricular activity leader. Once grasped, this principle is even harder to put into action. May Christ’s love for us fuel us with overflowing love for our children and for those with whom we must work on their behalf.

Second, Jesus’s advocacy is sacrificial. In order to successfully advocate on our behalf, Jesus had to pay with his very life. Advocacy always costs the advocate something. And the need for advocacy will never completely go away in this lifetime because we live in a world that is wracked by the effects of the fall. That doesn’t mean progress will not happen. It means perfection cannot happen. Expect advocacy to be hard. Parents of children with disabilities have an Advocate who fully understands the cost. 

Third, Jesus’s advocacy is unrelenting. Jesus is an Advocate. It is who he is. It is in his divine DNA. When love is hard, when sacrifice is costly, parents can remember that Jesus’ advocacy will sustain us into eternity. So, rather than resisting the role of advocacy on behalf of children with disabilities—or worse, becoming bitter about the obstacles in their pathway—parents can embrace advocacy as part of God’s calling on their lives. In the words of the author of Hebrews, “Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb. 12:1–2). To follow in the footsteps of Christ our unrelenting Advocate is not just a difficulty to endure but a privilege to embrace. 

May a renewed understanding of the blessings of Christ’s advocacy on behalf of the Christian parents of children with disabilities bring much-needed encouragement. As we stand up for these precious children and seek to meet their needs, may we display a picture of what a loving, sacrificial, and unrelenting Savior we have.

How to help children have a healthy body image
By / Jun 22

“Every single day, I sit in my counseling office with kids of all shapes and sizes who don’t like their bodies,” says counselor and author, Sissy Goff. She wants kids to think about their bodies the way God thinks about them. Goff explains that “We want them to see themselves as valuable at every level and deeply loved by God.” In answer to this pressing need, best-selling authors, Justin and Lindsey Holcomb have recently published a resource for families: God Made Me in His Image: Helping Children Appreciate Their Bodies (New Growth Press, 2022). This picture book helps even young children (ages 3-8) learn a Christian perspective on body image.

The Holcombs, parents to two daughters, have previously written similar books. The best-selling, God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Children Protect Their Bodies (New Growth Press, 2015) has provided thousands of families with ideas and resources for open communication about how children can protect themselves from abuse. And for adults, they wrote, Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Abuse (Crossway, 2011). Below, the Holcombs discuss their book and the realities of children and body image.

Champ Thornton: Please introduce us to your book, God Made Me in His Image.

Justin and Lindsey Holcomb: In a society overflowing with negative body-image messages, children’s body image is an urgent issue. Children need to know God made their bodies and made them special. Parents and caregivers have the privilege and opportunity to explain to their children that God made their bodies, and this is foundational for their self-image.

The message children need to hear is this: “God made you in his image. Every part of your body is good because God made every part and called them all good.”

We get to encourage children to appreciate their bodies and come alongside them to address the questions and shame regarding them. This is important because research regarding children and body issues are staggering and sad. Children are dealing with body-image distortion at an early age. Many young children are dieting or developing dangerous eating habits. Additionally, many trends in our culture lead to hyper-sexualizing of children.

CT: How do you explain to young kids what it means to be created in God’s image?

JLH: We think it is best to explore the specific passages of the Bible that refer to humans as made in God’s image. In the book, we give some of the historical context of the phrase “image of God” and the passage from Genesis 1:26-28. It is a term that communicates great dignity and honor, while also reflecting humility at the same time.

CT: The children in the story learn more about certain animals at the zoo who have unique physical characteristics. How does learning about the various animals help them accept their own differences?

JLH: Even though all of the creatures God made have different shapes, sizes, and abilities, they each have exactly what they need and serve a great purpose. When children see certain animals with unique physical characteristics, it helps them accept their own differences and insecurities. They see and learn that God has given each of us special gifts and to not miss the beauty around them. Their differences make the world a really interesting place to live.

CT: What age do children usually start having body image issues? What are some of the most common insecurities they have?

JLH: Researchers discovered that children begin to express concerns about their bodies as young as age 5. And at this young age, parents usually play a role in influencing their kids. As Common Sense Media notes, “You are your child’s first teacher,” meaning that kids can still pick up on subtle but negative body-image messages you give (even if you’re not harshly criticizing your body).

According to the report, one-third of boys (and more than half of girls) between the ages of 6 and 8 believe an ideal body is thinner than their current body size. And 1 in 4 kids have already tried dieting by age 7.

CT: At what age do children start worrying about their weight and dieting? Is that particular concern something that normally starts in school, or are seeds often planted at home?

JLH: These are just a few examples of the sobering statistics:

  • Five-year-old girls whose mothers reported current or recent dieting were more than twice as likely to have ideas about dieting than girls whose mothers did not diet. A mother’s dieting behavior is a source of her daughter’s ideas, concepts, and beliefs surrounding dieting and body image.
  • By age 6, girls especially start to express concerns about their weight or shape. Almost half of American children between first and third grade are worried about how much they weigh, and half of 9- to 10-year-old girls are dieting. Approximately 80% of all 10-year-old girls have dieted at least once in their lives. Even among underweight to average-sized girls, over one-third report dieting.
  • By the age of 10, around one-third of all girls and 22% of boys say how their bodies look is their number one worry. Age 10 is also the average age when children start dieting. Girls have always shown greater concern about their weight and appearance, but there is a significant increase recently in boys also worrying. Boys want to be tall and muscular—and they worry about weight too
  • Childhood obesity has tripled since the 1980s.
  • Virtually every media form studied provides ample evidence of the sexualization of women and men, including television, music videos, music lyrics, movies, magazines, sports media, video games, the internet, and advertising. Children internalize this message.

Parents are one of the most powerful influences in children’s lives regarding their body image. Parents and caregivers can start the conversation now about the practical body-image implications of being made in God’s image.

CT: There is a section in the back of your book for parents. What kind of information and tips do you provide for helping parents talk more to their children about body image?

JLH: Encourage your children to do the things they love that are good. Spending time on worthwhile activities boosts confidence and builds healthy friendships.

With your children, make a list of new things they want to try, learn, or tackle. Learning how to use their bodies in new ways can give them a greater appreciation for its capabilities and remind them that God gave them their bodies to be used to do good things.

Set a positive example by not criticizing other people’s bodies. If children see their parents judging appearances, then they will be much more likely to do the same to others and themselves.

If you have insecurities about your appearance, don’t make offhand, critical comments about those perceived flaws around your children. Instead, intentionally talk with your children about how God has helped you learn to see your body more like the way he sees it, even though you still forgot to see your body that way sometimes.

CT: What are some ways parents can encourage their children to have a healthy body image?

JLH: Encourage your children not to compare themselves to their peers. Instead, help them give thanks to God for the gifts he has given to them, and ask God to show them how they can become more like him today.

If your child has a physical impairment, remind him or her it does not negate your child’s inherent worth as God’s image bearer, nor does it diminish the other qualities God has blessed your child with.

CT: Kids often bully one another based on appearances. What conversations do parents need to have with their children about bullying?

JLH: Help victims of bullying boost confidence by focusing on how much they’re worth because they are made in the image of God and by reminding them of the positive attributes God has given to them. Also discuss strategies for how they can respond to bullying the next time it occurs and seek out additional resources on bullying to help you support your children.