My Struggle with Clinical Depression

Mental health challenges are on the rise across the country, with more than 50 million Americans now reporting that they struggle with mental illness. Yet, over half of these individuals—over 28 million people—currently are not receiving the support they need.¹

While there are various factors that contribute to individuals not seeking help, there is one reason I know well that prevents many from speaking up: a sense of stigma and shame around mental health. I know this firsthand because it was my story just 15 years ago.

My experience with clinical depression

I was 22 years into full-time ministry and serving as the lead pastor of a large church. I loved my congregation and felt called to continue serving them, but I was trapped in a fog of burnout and discouragement. The truth is, I came very close to walking away from ministry altogether.

I know now that there was a name for the challenges I was facing: clinical depression. But at the time, I was struggling in silence and did not know how to admit to those around me that I needed help. I made several attempts to push through these challenges in my own strength, including a self-diagnosis, all of which led me to the end of my rope. Finally, I did something that felt brave: I admitted the need for professional help and sought it out.

This simple choice to ask for help was the first step to getting healthy again.

Every day, I am grateful for the support from my family and congregation who encouraged me to take this important step. My clinical depression diagnosis and support from a licensed therapist empowered me to finally step out from under the dark cloud of depression that had been consuming my life and ministry.

Scripture commands us as Christians to love God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:31). This call to love him with our mind is not a secondary priority. Instead, it is an essential component of a holistic, comprehensive covenant that includes our spiritual and physical health. Practicing care for ourselves and prioritizing our mental health is a way of loving the Lord, as well as a means by which pastors can protect the longevity of their ministry. In my personal life, it was learning how to care for my mental health that restored my ability to love God and other people with all of my mind.

Getting the support I needed has not only helped me get healthy again, but it also reinvigorated my ministry. Several years later, I stepped into a pastor-advocate ministry that I am still in today. I currently serve as the director of pastoral wellness at GuideStone, where I interact daily with pastors and other pastor-advocates who want to start well, stay well, and finish well.

How support can lead to flourishing

Too many pastors I interact with today are trying to continue supporting their congregation even though they are pouring from an empty cup—just like I tried to do. In fact, a recent Lifeway Research study found that 63% of pastors report stress as one of the most significant mental health concerns facing their ministry, and 48% struggle with discouragement.² On top of that, 8 out of 10 pastors report sacrificing their well-being over the course of their ministry. It’s no wonder that pastors are feeling burnt out.³

We all have friends who have left the ministry because of depression, discouragement, or disqualification. It seems that the primary thing they have in common is their refusal to let others help them with their private battles. Although 75% of pastors will never struggle with diagnosed depression, they will occasionally feel depressed or discouraged.⁴ All of us will serve both “in season and out of season” because we are leading the charge on the front line of an invisible and intense war.

Too many pastors feel a sense of fear and shame surrounding conversations about mental health and are afraid to admit their need for help or accept it when it is offered.

Too many pastors feel a sense of fear and shame surrounding conversations about mental health and are afraid to admit their need for help or accept it when it is offered. Many share the same belief that I once did—that it is a character flaw to not be able to overcome mental health challenges in your own strength. But mental health challenges, like my clinical depression, are, in many cases, a chemical problem, not a character problem. Suffering silently with mental health challenges is not a virtue, and seeking help is not a weakness.

I am immensely grateful for the 37 years I have been privileged to serve as a pastor. But, while leading and serving is deeply rewarding, it can also be incredibly demanding without adequate support. Resilience in ministry is not a guarantee, but it is a promise to pastors who put their hope in the Lord.

“[I] have become depressed. Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for his mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I say, “The Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in him” (Lam. 3:20b-24, CSB).

This is cause for encouragement—not fear—both for the Church and her leaders. Stories like mine are proof that burnout and depression in the Church can be overcome by the resurrection power of Jesus as well as the loving support of his beautiful bride. And even if the struggles are not taken away, our sufferings can be used for God’s glory within his Church. Resilient ministry leaders can stop pretending they are alright when they are not. Instead, they can seek and receive support from other sacred siblings who can help them through their mental health challenges, giving us the opportunity to go back and strengthen our brothers (Luke 22:32).

Our churches cannot be healthy if the pastors who support them are not. Receiving professional mental health helped me to finish well at that church after 14 years of ministry. From there, I got to start a new chapter of ministry to other pastors 10 years ago. You may not need professional help like I did, but if you get stuck in a fog of depression too long, resist the temptation to self-diagnose; instead, ask your doctor or a licensed biblical counselor to help you figure things out.

This article is from the Winter 2024 issue of Light magazine, Finding Rest in the Wilderness: Hope and Help for Mental Health Struggles.

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