“She will be fine,” I assured my coworker who was worried about her daughter’s first day at the babysitter. Glenda was new to town, visited our church, and had now been hired at the same school where I worked. She had dropped her 5-year-old off that morning at a well-reputed caretaker’s home. “Trust me, she is having a blast,” I said.
No matter how much I encouraged her that day, Glenda simply couldn’t shake her negative thoughts about her child’s first day. I asked her if I could pray for her, and she nodded her head. When I finished, she had tears in her eyes. Without looking up she said, “I know you think I’m being weird, but something really bad happened to me at my babysitter’s house when I was 5.” Then she quietly told me her story of abuse.
I was caught off-guard. I stiffened and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” And that ended it. In her moment of vulnerability and trust, I shamefully had nothing to offer.
How to Care Well for a Trauma Survivor
Unfortunately, situations like mine occur too often. A trauma survivor is ready to share her story with a friend, a Sunday School teacher, or a minister, yet the person is not equipped to respond. In my case, Glenda and I worked closely together that year. As our friendship grew, I became a better supporter and learned what I wished I had known from the start. Below are a few lessons that would have helped me during that first conversation.
As our friendship grew, I became a better supporter and learned what I wished I had known from the start.
Believe them.
Sometimes well-meaning Christians listen to victims and survivors of abuse, but their responses may indicate doubt. Believing survivors is vital to helping them heal. A good response like, “I believe that must have hurt you terribly,” or, “I cannot imagine how you feel, but I believe you have survived something awful,” is empowering.
Survivors sometimes wait years to share their abuse story, usually because they feel they may not be believed, or worse, be called a liar. Expressing skepticism only retraumatizes a survivor. When a survivor chooses to disclose to a friend, a statement of belief is a critical first step.
Listen well.
Authentic listening is important in ministering to someone who has been traumatized. A victim of violence is often powerless, voiceless, and choiceless. By listening, a friend is empowering a survivor with both a voice and a choice. Allow survivors to guide the conversation; give them control over their narrative to say as much or as little as they want.
Listening well has several components. First, set aside preformed responses, judgments, and conclusions. A good listener refrains from offering advice or stating what the survivor should have done, which may shut them down. An empathic listener should validate the survivor’s feelings while respecting their privacy.
Pray with and for the survivor.
Christians are usually quick to pray with those in need, whether it is through sickness, natural disasters, or unsettling news. When a church member or friend confides a past trauma, the response should be the same. Those who are hurting deserve the salve of a powerful, praying friend. The time is always right to stand in the gap, calling on God’s mercy, blessing, and direction as the survivor navigates the path to healing.
Allow room for the survivor to express doubt or even question their faith.
Survivors of trauma may wonder why God allowed the violent acts that hurt them. They may state that they are not interested in church or being around Christians. It is important for supporters to allow this response without casting judgment or sending a message of shame. The Bible is full of examples of individuals crying out in lament (especially in Psalms).
Let survivors know you support them and are praying for them. Ask if they would like you to work through a Bible study with them, and be prepared to pass along resources such as prayer and Scripture guides when they are ready. Remember, God is the source of healing, and he will work in his time in the lives of survivors.
Recognize the survivor’s strengths.
One of the best ways to support a friend who has disclosed past abuse is to proclaim just how strong they are. Living through trauma, carrying it daily, often behind an optimistic “everything’s fine” mask, can wear a survivor down. Many survivors form healthy relationships, have children, maintain successful careers, and may never disclose their abuse. Acknowledge the accomplishments your friend has made despite the heavy effects of trauma.
Offer to help them seek justice.
Survivors of abuse have options to take legal measures against their perpetrators; after all, abuse is a crime. Some will want to do this, even years later, while others may opt to find healing in other ways. Instead of shaming survivors for not reporting abuse, offer to walk alongside them as they choose their next steps.
Empowering survivors by encouraging them to move forward as they desire is important. Offer to accompany your friend to a law office and help them navigate the judiciary waters when they are ready. Until then, ask if you can help find a trauma-informed therapist or victim advocate if the survivor has not done so.
Understand your limits.
Sincere friends of survivors can and should work tirelessly to aid them as they seek justice. However, it is vital to know your limitations. A friend does not need to play the role of therapist, investigator, or lawyer. Simply offering a listening ear, accompanying your friend to appointments, and showing Christ-like compassion are the keys to caring well.
Those who help survivors need to take an honest look at the feelings that arise. Anger, sadness, frustration, and guilt may surface when someone you love shares their story of abuse. Walking the path of healing with someone may also trigger past traumas in your life as well. It is important to recognize when you need help, too, and follow steps to take care of yourself such as speaking to a professional, taking time for mental rest, and admitting you are struggling.
God embodies compassion and mercy partnered with righteousness. He restores his children, and he will do so while bringing justice to the Earth. As his ambassadors, we should offer hope to the hurting, show kindness to the afflicted, and respond with care to those who have survived trauma.
This article is from the Winter 2024 issue of Light magazine, Finding Rest in the Wilderness: Hope and Help for Mental Health Struggles.
